Journal 15 - Another month ahead

Definitely NOT pregnant. The happiness in that is that I didn't have to lie to Hilary or Leah when they asked if I was pregnant...since that's all they wanted for Christmas. Thinking of another month of exhausting expecting, hoping, possible disappointment is discouraging. Jonathan said this afternoon that I could buy an ovulation kit. I just have to remind myself that God's timing is perfect. Maybe Jonathan doesn't have to remind himself of that because he doesn't seem overly concerned or disappointed that we didn't get pregnant last month. He keeps saying that he looks forward to the next one though. After all of the holiday food I ate, I sure enough LOOK like I'm 3 or 4 months pregnant.

My biggest fear about having a second baby is not having enough time to spend concentrating on Ace. He is changing so fast and coming up with new things every day. I don't want to miss any of them. But the joy of experiencing it again is very enticing. He is the center of my earthly life (can't forget Jesus). How do I split that in two? Being a mother is heart-aching: my heart aches for every moment not spent with my child. Right now Ace is sleeping and I just want to be holding him. God is my father but I imagine that he feels the same for me. His heart must ache a lot with so many children. I guess that's why he wants eternity with us. I don't know if my heart can handle this kind of ache times two. I'm not being dramatic. It really does ache. In fact, that's how Ace says his name "A-che" (Acey).

Rambling...Here comes another month.

Journal 14 - One Day Late

I'm one day late. I'm more exited and hopeful than I should allow myself to be. I've already taken a pregnancy test this month and it was negative so I already have an indication that I'm not pregnant but it's definitely on my Christmas wish list. I worked out yesterday and was able to run without fatigue. I had a dream last night that I started. All of this should dampen my hopes...but they haven't. I'm not allowing myself to purchase a pregnancy test until we get back from San Antonio in a week. More of the waiting game.

Journal 13 - Dreaming

So I looked on the calendar and will be "late" if nothing occurs next week. I had a dream last night that Jonathan was walking towards me saying something like "it's here" or "it came" referring to that time of the month. Every little pain in my stomach gives me hope. I think I've been eating my way to looking pregnant even though I'm not. So, I will be secretly anticipating over the next Christmas week. Monday after this one upcoming will be the next pregnancy test if nothing arrives in the meantime.

Journal 12 - Wasting Money

So, of course, as soon as everyone left yesterday I whipped out the pregnancy test. I just KNEW it was going to be positive...I've been completely worn out, sensitive to smells, battling my complexion, hungry all the time.....and it was all in my head. NOT PREGNANT. It's kind of a relief to know that I'll go through the holidays with family, hiding nothing. On the other hand, I would love to put a positive test in Jonathan's Christmas stocking. Seeing Brookelyn and Braedyn reinforced to me this weekend that two kids is exhausting but last night, I just couldn't spend enough time with Ace. Jonathan took him upstairs to give me some alone-time and ten minutes later I went up there to snuggle, read, play and KISS. Yesterday Ace was very into kissing. I am completely inadequate to love Ace enough and having another heart outside my body will be equally as tough. So there goes another $10 down the potty to discover that I'm, yet again, not pregnant and totally crazy.

Journal 11 - Waiting

I'm not taking a pregnancy test despite my overwhelming desire to do so. All the fam is coming for Christmas at Granny's and for Ace's baby dedication and I don't want to know that I'm pregnant and have to hide is from everyone. I'd rather NOT know and not have anything to hide. But as soon as everyone leaves...I have a date with EPT.

Journal 10 - REALLY?

Am I REALLY considering having another? REALLY? I got some encouragement from one of Ace's favorite nursery ladies at the gym. She said, "If you are going to have another, do it quickly." I think she meant to add, "before you think it through too much." My Jesus is my joy but Ace is the next closest thing. When he loves on Jonathan I just can't imagine that I could ever be happier. If we don't get pregnant this month, it will be a surprise. I didn't buy the ovulation tests but I went online and calculated my time and it's supposed to be right now. It's just beyond my comprehension that, right now, God may be creating a miracle inside of me: someone for me to love and well...love is the most encompassing word. I am so fortunate to have Ace, what makes me think that I could possibly be deserving of another blessing so great? Maybe that's what is so wonderful about children. They are the greatest undeserved blessing we will ever have on earth next to the sacrifice of Christ. Hopefully this month will find me blessed.

Journal 9 - 1 + 1 X= 2

This is the big week. It's our first real chance to get pregnant since we decided to have another baby (since I'd already stopped ovulating by the time we decided last month). I'm really excited but so, so nervous. I talked with Leah yesterday and she informed me (see subject line) that one plus one does NOT equal two as far as the effort it requires to take care of two babies. That wisdom came courtesy of Allen. I was complaining that I no longer have time to be thoughtful towards friends and family. I would love to send little notes and gifts just to let friends know that I'm thinking of them or have Ace make craft projects for his grandparents but time just runs out every day between working to pay bills, exercising to relieve stress, cleaning to stay sane, cooking to stay ALIVE and studying God's word to know how to accomplish it all. But I want time to be thoughtful. Maybe I need to stop sleeping altogether.

So, despite no time for it, I am hoping that by next Monday, Ace will have a brother or sister on the way.

Journal 8 - Back on Track

After a quiet weekend at home with Ace and Jonathan, I'm back on the baby bandwagon. I know it's going to be tough to have a second and that's why I'm so back and forth. Before having Ace, my view of having a baby was through pink colored glasses. I hadn't experienced the nights without sleep, constant nursing, nose aspiration and clogged milk duct. Don't misunderstand me and think that I don't love being Ace's mom. Some parts are just more enjoyable than others and they outweigh the hard parts. I just know now that it is REALLY hard work. It's also selfless. I love a warm bath, a solitary shower, an afternoon nap, an entire meal all my own, uninterrupted sleep and watching adult television...but I love Ace much, much more. So I'll be ovulating at the end of next week and we'll see what happens.

Journal 7 - Arrival

My guest arrived but has been met by a sobering reality...Jonathan worked so much this week that we didn't see him from Monday through Saturday morning. Can I handle that, a full-time job and another baby? With God's grace, of course I can but will it build resentment??? The idea of 50/50 parenting is great but I don't think it ever happens. Why is so hard to remember to "do everything as if you are doing it for the Lord"? So I don't know whether to start calculating my ovulation period or to give my desire for another baby back to the Lord for more prayer and waiting. It's so hard to look beyond my desires to see the path that the Lord has for me. God has amazing timing. I'm so grateful that it is perfect.

I count only on Him.

Journal 6 - Going insane

I'm going out of my mind. It's been an entire day since my last post. I KNOW in my mind that I'm not pregnant but my heart wishes it so. I remember after finishing each part of the CPA exam I was ready to get my scores in the mail and had to wait a painful month and sometimes two until there was even a possibility of finding them in the mailbox. I prayed DAILY for passing scores and told the Lord that I had never wanted anything so bad in my life. In my heart, I'm back at the Saddlebrook mailbox only now I'm waiting on the digital readout of a pregnancy test. I did take one on Tuesday and it was negative again. It should not have been a disappointment but it was. I have to resign myself to another month of waiting, anticipating and possibly disappointment. But I can be prayerful in the meantime and happy knowing that the Lord knows the desires of my heart.

Journal 5 - part 2

I dropped Ace off and bought the pregnancy test. NOT pregnant. I'm disappointed, frustrated with myself, impatient...for as many times as I accuse Jonathan of being impatient...here my impatience is on display. What an imperfect vessel for a baby! Guess the waiting continues as does my character development.

Journal 5 - Missing Guest

My monthly guest has not yet arrived. My hopes are climbing. I'm dropping Ace off at daycare in about one hour and I'm going to go to the drugstore for a pregnancy test afterward. I know that I took one a week ago! I know, I know! I'm justifying my obsession through my workouts: My heart rate reaches the 180s and I know the recommended maximum is 140 beats per minute. I'm wishing that I would have kept better track of what time that monthly guest arrived.

Journal 4 - A Dream

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. I was trying on formal dresses and noticed when I put on a long green one that I had a big bump. Leah had a dream last month that I was pregnant, it was a girl and we were calling her Lily Kate. I know these aren't prophetic dreams...those are always remembered in exact detail and I can't tell you why I was trying on dresses! They are just special dreams in light of this season.

Journal 3 - Someone to talk to

I'm glad that I have this blog to talk to. I have a dull ache in my belly this morning. It could be a number of things: yesterday's situps, last night's nacho dinner, upcoming flatulence, this morning's hot chocolate...I wish it would be a baby, probably the nachos...nice if it were the situps.

Journal 2 - part 2

I'm back from the doctor's office. Not pregnant...still. She reccommended an ovulation kit. I bet Abraham and Sarah wished they could go to CVS and buy an ovulation kit. Is that intervening too much or taking advantage of the brains that the Lord gave to the kit's inventor??? I've never wanted to start my cycle so bad so as to start the month anew. I'm sure that this will create more anxiousness which will make conception more difficult. This is why the Lord takes things out of our hands. I'm obsessing.

I remember when Ace felt like a little goldfish in my belly. Then he turned into a moving watermelon. Maybe that's why the Dugger mom has had 17 pregnancies...it's just a miracle that you get to experience for 9 months. And what if this time I get sick where with Ace there was no morning sickness. What am I wishing for?!

Maybe there's a reason my Bible study this morning was Matthew Chapter 1 - the genealogy of Jesus. The Jews had to wait a long time for their King to be born.

I've officially rambled enough for the day.

Journal 2

It's Thursday. I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was negative. I don't really know what I was thinking because we've only been trying for a week and it wouldn't even show up! I'm going for my yearly exam today and am secretly hoping that they give me a pregnancy test. Not that one full day will make a difference (especially when I was in Waco yesterday). I think my monthly "friend" will be here before the end of the week and maybe that will wake me into reality. I'm just holding out hope.

Waiting Game

Once we decided to have another baby, it was like "Hurry up. Now wait." I have my yearly appointment on Thursday and I'm hoping that she'll give me a pregnancy test. I know I'll be disappointed if it reads negative but I don't even think the tests can pick up what would be a pregnancy that is no more than a week old. I know this season teaches me patience. I realize that life is from God. These are my plans but I wonder if that little soul who will be our son or daughter is ready. I wonder if the Lord is forming his/ her soul right now.

I'm monitoring my workouts carefully because that is how I knew I was pregnant with Ace - I ran for 5 minutes and was completely drained. I ran for 20 minutes on Friday with no problems. I'm also praying against morning sickness. Ace's pregnancy was bliss. And so is he.

Journal 1 - To Myself

It's not a secret that we are trying to get pregnant but I feel secretive. I've told a few people. This is so different than when I got pregnant with Ace. My stomach is full of butterflies and anticipation. It almost feels like stress. Jonathan wanted to intentionally have a second but experiencing these feelings is not fun for me. God's timing is easier to accept when I'm not waiting. It opens my eyes to a tiny, tiny window of what ladies must feel like when they can't get pregnant. A tiny window. Miniscule. Proton-sized.

I'm praying today that we have the energy to try when Jonathan's job has been so draining. I love him very much. He is a wonderful dad. I love seeing him snuggle with Ace. Ace is a lucky baby boy. I'm pretty lucky too.

Gifts

Aside from the gift of eternal life in Jesus Christ, my greatest gift is my family - my wonderful husband Jonathan, my precious son Ace and hopefully a new addition to come.