Journal 15 - Another month ahead

Definitely NOT pregnant. The happiness in that is that I didn't have to lie to Hilary or Leah when they asked if I was pregnant...since that's all they wanted for Christmas. Thinking of another month of exhausting expecting, hoping, possible disappointment is discouraging. Jonathan said this afternoon that I could buy an ovulation kit. I just have to remind myself that God's timing is perfect. Maybe Jonathan doesn't have to remind himself of that because he doesn't seem overly concerned or disappointed that we didn't get pregnant last month. He keeps saying that he looks forward to the next one though. After all of the holiday food I ate, I sure enough LOOK like I'm 3 or 4 months pregnant.

My biggest fear about having a second baby is not having enough time to spend concentrating on Ace. He is changing so fast and coming up with new things every day. I don't want to miss any of them. But the joy of experiencing it again is very enticing. He is the center of my earthly life (can't forget Jesus). How do I split that in two? Being a mother is heart-aching: my heart aches for every moment not spent with my child. Right now Ace is sleeping and I just want to be holding him. God is my father but I imagine that he feels the same for me. His heart must ache a lot with so many children. I guess that's why he wants eternity with us. I don't know if my heart can handle this kind of ache times two. I'm not being dramatic. It really does ache. In fact, that's how Ace says his name "A-che" (Acey).

Rambling...Here comes another month.

Journal 14 - One Day Late

I'm one day late. I'm more exited and hopeful than I should allow myself to be. I've already taken a pregnancy test this month and it was negative so I already have an indication that I'm not pregnant but it's definitely on my Christmas wish list. I worked out yesterday and was able to run without fatigue. I had a dream last night that I started. All of this should dampen my hopes...but they haven't. I'm not allowing myself to purchase a pregnancy test until we get back from San Antonio in a week. More of the waiting game.

Journal 13 - Dreaming

So I looked on the calendar and will be "late" if nothing occurs next week. I had a dream last night that Jonathan was walking towards me saying something like "it's here" or "it came" referring to that time of the month. Every little pain in my stomach gives me hope. I think I've been eating my way to looking pregnant even though I'm not. So, I will be secretly anticipating over the next Christmas week. Monday after this one upcoming will be the next pregnancy test if nothing arrives in the meantime.

Journal 12 - Wasting Money

So, of course, as soon as everyone left yesterday I whipped out the pregnancy test. I just KNEW it was going to be positive...I've been completely worn out, sensitive to smells, battling my complexion, hungry all the time.....and it was all in my head. NOT PREGNANT. It's kind of a relief to know that I'll go through the holidays with family, hiding nothing. On the other hand, I would love to put a positive test in Jonathan's Christmas stocking. Seeing Brookelyn and Braedyn reinforced to me this weekend that two kids is exhausting but last night, I just couldn't spend enough time with Ace. Jonathan took him upstairs to give me some alone-time and ten minutes later I went up there to snuggle, read, play and KISS. Yesterday Ace was very into kissing. I am completely inadequate to love Ace enough and having another heart outside my body will be equally as tough. So there goes another $10 down the potty to discover that I'm, yet again, not pregnant and totally crazy.

Journal 11 - Waiting

I'm not taking a pregnancy test despite my overwhelming desire to do so. All the fam is coming for Christmas at Granny's and for Ace's baby dedication and I don't want to know that I'm pregnant and have to hide is from everyone. I'd rather NOT know and not have anything to hide. But as soon as everyone leaves...I have a date with EPT.

Journal 10 - REALLY?

Am I REALLY considering having another? REALLY? I got some encouragement from one of Ace's favorite nursery ladies at the gym. She said, "If you are going to have another, do it quickly." I think she meant to add, "before you think it through too much." My Jesus is my joy but Ace is the next closest thing. When he loves on Jonathan I just can't imagine that I could ever be happier. If we don't get pregnant this month, it will be a surprise. I didn't buy the ovulation tests but I went online and calculated my time and it's supposed to be right now. It's just beyond my comprehension that, right now, God may be creating a miracle inside of me: someone for me to love and well...love is the most encompassing word. I am so fortunate to have Ace, what makes me think that I could possibly be deserving of another blessing so great? Maybe that's what is so wonderful about children. They are the greatest undeserved blessing we will ever have on earth next to the sacrifice of Christ. Hopefully this month will find me blessed.