Just trying...

...not to puike this morning.





Morning sickness is for the dogs.

Unexpected answers to prayers I didn't pray

It's said so many times..truths are funny like that...God is amazing. He answered a prayer for me today that I didn't even think to pray.
On one hand, I'm like, "Oh, why didn't I pray for that? Why didn't I entrust that to you?"
On the other hand, I'm like, "That's silly to beat myself up for not praying for something."
Finally, I just decide praise and thanks is the only thing I need to feel or think.

I never concentrate or think too much about the pressure of working. Why dwell on something that could develope into stress? But God provided a relief to my pressure in the form of a promotion for Jonathan.

God truly does delight in giving us blessings.
If I see Ace needs something, I will get it before he needs it. The sweetest sound is is OVER-enthusiastic and dramatic, "Thaaaaaaanks Mom." I just love it.

So, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaanks Lord." I know you delight in me even more than I delight in Ace. That thought is overwhelming and so undeserved. I just give you all of me in return.

Symptoms Update

As I munch away on saltines with my gingerale nearby, I am aware that this pregnancy is WAY different than last time. I am constantly nauseous, waking up every two hours at night to pee, diarrhea during the day...Jonathan says I complain but I say, "With GOOD cause!" Maybe this is the Lord's way of convincing me that this should be our final baby.





Just ran out of saltines, going to get more.





Baby, I love you dearly. But please stop making your mama sick. I'm ready to feel you kick and see you grow my belly. The babies were dedicated on Sunday and I prayed for you and cried with joy at the thought of doing that with you. Even without the church ceremony, I commit to teaching you how much Jesus loves you. I hope you can hear me and your big brother singing praise songs throughout the day. I hope you like them as much as he does.

Definitely Morning Sickness

Since I didn't have this with Ace, it's taken me a little while to diagnose myself. Morning sickness is definitely settling in. I've felt horrible since last Thursday: just an "off" feeling that lasts the entire day. Right now I'm downing saltines like they are chocolate. My grocery list includes gingerale, more saltines and chicken noodle soup.





Ugh. I don't like this feeling. It makes it hard to get out of bed or find a comfortable position to sleep in. BUT...this is what I've prayed for for months and months. So, time to find the joy in it!

Pains

Last night was nerve-wracking. I had a lot of stomach cramping and sharp pains. I'm hoping it was just growing pains. I dreamt last night that I miscarried. I woke up so relieved and just worn out. I could see the concern in Jonathan's face when I went to bed early.





Lord, I completely trust you. I pray against anxiousness, fear and bad dreams. Please protect this baby. Please form its little body and make my womb safe so it can grow. Place your power and protection on every place we are joined. Help me to capture my fears for you. Thank you for your control and my powerlessness. Amen.

Still Hungry!

This pregnancy is just like when I was pregnant with Ace only everything is magnified. I'm soooo hungry I am embarrassed at how much I'm eating. I just finished a Chik-Fil-A combo meal and feel like I could eat another one! Last night, my abs were spasming and felt JUST like a baby kicking. I thought, maybe I'm way further along...nope, just a reaction to my HUGE Stouffers dinner. Already feel a belly forming though I remember the fact that I never even showed with Ace until I was almost 7 months along.





Jonathan says I'm also complaining a lot more. Mostly, I'm complaining of fatigue, aches and pains. I've had a lot of tummy pains that are contributing to my nervousness. I'm waiting until the end of next week to call and make my first doctor's appointment. I just want to make it past this one month mark.

1 month

I'm just dreading this week. DREAD. That shows how small my faith is.





I think I got pregnant on February 14th, 2009. I miscarried on March 24th, about a month later. I think I got pregnant November 15th this time around. So I'm coming up on one month and I'm anxious every time I go to the bathroom.





There are a lot of differences between my symptoms right now and at the same point in my last pregnancy. My breasts feel much more sore, like I can feel my milk ducts ramping up for service. My c-section scar isn't nearly as sore as I remember it being last time. I'm way more fatigued. I don't know what all of this means but I'm noticing every difference, hoping that it makes a difference.





This morning, I asked Jonathan to pray especially hard this week since it is about the same point in my pregnancy as last time. I melted when he said that he had already been praying about it. The unexpected wonders of a husband.





I just keep hearing God say, "Trust me." He is also reminding me that he knits every part of our babies in our womb. He has power over all life and has completely conquered death. Neither are under my control and neither are for my worry. Just trust.





My constant prayer is, "Lord, strengthen my womb. Help it to deliver all of the nutrients to this baby. Allow me to carry this baby to term and deliver a healthy, precious baby. I know that you are faithful."

Tummy & Heart aches

I've known for a week and a half that I am pregnant. I took the test Saturday, November 21st. It salved the hurt of losing Meme. I told Jonathan last night. I have been sooo fatigued over the past two weeks - between pregnancy and potty training, I'm an exhausted mess. Every little stomach twinge, I'm anxious. Every stomach pain or cramp...and every time I got to the bathroom, I'm looking for signs for miscarriage. It's a really stressful time.





So I'm training my brain. Every time I feel scared about this pregnancy, I say to myself, "Dear Lord, please strengthen my womb and let me carry to term a healthy baby. I know you are faithful."





I'm mad at myself every time I get scared. I feel like it's a lack of faith in God, to be scared that I may miscarry again.





Thank you Lord, for giving me chance after chance to strengthen my faith in you over the next nine months. You are faithful. You are my help and my confidence.

Expectations

Something has finally clicked with me. Two years ago, Jonathan and I were in a community group that did a study called "I Marriage." The preacher talked about all of the expectations that you bring into a marriage and how they hamper your happiness. My thought at that time was, "I didn't have any false expectations when I got married because Jonathan and I dated four years before getting hitched. I knew what I was getting into."

I was SO wrong.

So here's my latest experiment with expectations. Every time I get upset about something, I translate it into terms of expectation and then evaluate whether those expectations are fair...

Jonathan didn't make the bed this morning.
I'm a little put out.
Translation: I'm a little miffed because I EXPECTED _____. Fill in the blank. In this case, I expected him to make the bed.
Is that reasonable??? Nope. I was IN the bed when he left for work!!!!!

Another example, let's turn the tables.
Jonathan's mad at me because I poured out his iced tea.
He EXPECTED me to leave it on the counter for him to drink later.
Is that reasonable? Well, that's for him to decide. It he considers the fact that he leaves his tea out every night and I was cleaning the kitchen, he probably won't be mad.
Or maybe he EXPECTED me to ask him if he was finished before throwing it out.
That's reasonable and a point to build on. I probably should have.

It's a really enlightening way to get to the bottom of why I'm mad or upset about something. It's really frightening how much I expect from people, unreasonably so.

Perspective

I find myself aggravated a lot over the littlest things: shoes in my way, dirty clothes on my side of the closet, a food spill left on the table. Satan tells me that these are signs I'm not loved; that Ace and Jonathan don't care about me and just leave things out and about for me to clean up. Satan tells me that I'm being taken advantage of.

Christ tells me that these are ways I can love my family, by picking up the items that tell me I have two loveable men in my house that are imperfect like he made them. Christ says I am a gift to them and their caretaker. If those little things were gone, it would mean the two people I love most in the world are gone.

Why can't I think more like Christ?
Trying to train my brain on a Thursday morning.

What's wrong with ME?!

I'm hoping confession (even just to my computer and the few readers that know about this blog) will get rid of these thoughts that are just beating me up lately. You know how Paul lamented that he did things he didn't want to do. That's me and my thought life. First it was the loving love (previous post). Now it's the crazy longing for high school...I know, I've LOST my mind. Maybe it's just because my ten year reunion was in October. One of the reasons I didn't go was because I have been having these absurd feelings like I wish I was back in high school and I didn't want to feed them. I feel so silly even talking about it but one thing I've learned this year (thank you Brittany and Kate for teaching me) is that talking about silly things that you fear takes the power away from them. I fear most that this is such a sign of immaturity in me. I fear it's a foothold for Satan. I wish I could squeeze these feelings out and put them down my kitchen disposal and grind them up. They are FOOLISH and I fear that makes me a fool. Does my hatred of these thoughts count for anything?

Lord, please take each thought captive. Let this confession loose their hold on me. I want contentment in my present circumstances more than anything.

Is the truth hard or am I soft?

This blog is where I say things that are too difficult to say in person but so therapeutic to release.

My Meme is wonderful. She is lively and uncensored. She tells inappropriate jokes, always dresses for a party, plays cards like a shark and ALWAYS has at least ten presents for everyone when she visits.

Right now, Meme is sick. She wants to be released from her pain and sickness so she's not eating. I don't understand this. My mom has tried to explain it but Christ keeps telling me that it's wrong. HE decides our time to go, not us. What if there is still a project left for her that she'll never get to do because she wants to check out? What if there's something left for her to teach me or Ace? Why can't I call her and tell her that Jesus loves her and that she has victory even in her sickness? I think it's most difficult for me because she's never talked to me about the Lord.

So here is my moment of faith. Why should I expect any of my family members to find my faith legitimate if I don't share it with them? If I REALLY believe no one goes to the Father except through Christ, then why am I not dialing their numbers every minute trying to convince them of Christ? I guess one answer is that I don't want to alienate them. Another is that I am so far from perfect that I don't want them to see me as a hypocrit and be turned off of Christianity (when, truth is, I struggle just like they do and berate myself more for my failings than they ever could). God respects their choices and loves them and so must I.

I don't believe church makes you "good" and I don't consider Christ to be a condiment on my life's sandwich - another thing to make it taste better. He is the CENTER of my life and invited into every thought and action. (I said "invited"...wish I could say "commander"...ahhhh, falling so short.) Anyway....

I love you Meme and I have prayed for you every single night for years I can't count. If you don't believe in Christ, I am not angry with God for not convincing you because he gave you free will. God is unwilling that any should perish. No matter what you believe, and how I WISH you would have told me, I love you in every way I know how. The other night, after we said his nighttime prayers, Ace said, "Dear Lord." and I said, "Save Meme." Ace said, "Save Brookelyn." and we went back and forth over all our family members. I guess God has given me a prayer partner.

Just a girl and Just a boy

My guiltiest pleasure is a good romance story. Especially in my fantasy novels where they have supernatural ways of displaying their love. Hilary and I went to see "Love Happens" on Friday and the kiss at the end gave me the BEST warm fuzzies and I left the theater thinking, "Why can't real life be like that?" Well, if the movie went on past two hours, maybe it would show them sleep deprived, arguing over bills and/ or without perfect makeup and dialogue. I just LOVE love. I love the excitement, the infatuation, the giddiness...as a Christian, I know that those aren't true love. So why have I been so focused on them lately? Why do I dream about being swept off my feet and pray for those giddy feelings to return ('cause they've sure been hiding after almost 6 years of marriage, a two year old and a miscarriage)?



My pastor hit me over the head REALLY early on Sunday morning (went to the 8:30 service). He said that after 7 years his marriage was about to blow because of unmet expectations until he realized that his wife was just a girl (not the fulfiller of his dreams) and his wife realized that he was just a boy (wanting to fulfill her dreams but only doing the best he can). My problem is that I'm in love with my expectations. I love stomach butterflies and a gentle brush of a kiss on the cheek (does Jonathan even LOOK like a gentle-brusher...nope, and if he tried I'd probably scratch at it!). I'm holding on to my not-love. Love is Christ: selfless, humble, suffering...they didn't do any of that in my movie. My pastor was saying that we would be a lot happier in life if we put our expectations in line with what the Bible says..."In this life, you will have trouble...but take heart, for I have overcome the world."

So goodbye expectations of glass slippers and true love's kiss. I won't miss you because I am the bride of Christ. My real love has morning breath and my slippers smell like dirty feet. I change the most wonderful poopy diapers and rarely make it through the day without some sort of stain on my clothes. I am married to just a boy and I am just a girl but we have Christ.

I feel the weight lifting already.

I caved

Yesterday was a low, low day. After making my last entry, I ran to CVS for a pregnancy test. I know, I know, I know. It was negative. I completely lost control of myself. I needed that cry. I'm sure that it was completely hormonal. Here's the real curse of Adam's bite of apple:

• I know that I should joy in my healthy two-year-old instead of wallowing in self-pity.



• I know I shouldn't torture myself with the broken "am I pregnant" record that plays in my head each month.



• I know I should rest in the peace and trust of my loving God who is in complete control.



• I know I shouldn't obsess.



• I know I shouldn't cry over God's planning of my future.

But I do these things. All of them. And I hate myself for them. I shared my struggle with Jonathan and immediately regretted it. Guys don't get hormones. Lord, once again, it's only you I can come before. Why can't I learn that lesson?

Prayer: God, I give control to you again. I give my desire for another child to you again. I give my anxiousness and self-loathing to you again. I am without words for your grace and love again.

I Googled

Why did I Google "pregnancy symptoms"? Whenever you Google any sort of condition, illness or anything of the sort you ALWAYS have it, right? It actually said that some women experience a random bleed when the embryo implants into the uterus. NOW my hopes are way up. My head has hurt last night and today so OF COURSE when the symptoms include headaches I'm like, "I have those." My boobs have been smushed in a sports bra which could've caused the breast tenderness. I never look at my nipples so how would I know if they've darkened??? Oh, why do I do this to myself. This is self-torture.

More waiting.

Why do I do this to myself?

Maybe God made me a girl to develop patience in me. I'm 2 days away from starting my cycle and just wondering if I'm pregnant. If I have to wonder this much, the answer is probably "no" right? I alternate between: "I really want to be pregnant" and "how am I going to balance TWO babies and work." It's desire/ fear/ desire/ fear...usually ending up with, "there's nothing I can do about either one, now back to whatever it was I was doing." I need about a week's vacation. I can't concentrate on much.

Ace kicked me hard in the stomach last night and it made me worry. I really need something else to focus on. Motherhood right now is so sweet...despite the kicks in the gut.

New Journey

I haven't posted or even composed a post in a while. I was all ready to make this a forum to document my spiritual journey and then God said, "You want a journey? Here's some oceans to swim, there's some quicksand to tread and here's Mt. Kilmanjaro, let's hike." I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to share all of those pieces of my past few months, or rather, I don't want the opinions and gossip.

Better to start here, right now. God put me on his back to carry me out of the past few months and now for the future. Jonathan just told me last week that he is ready for another baby. WHAT?! I had given that desire to God in every way and really didn't expect to even have a hope of Jonathan saying he was ready for another year or so. BUT I did pray for it.

Without much time to enjoy Jonathan's change of heart, I got a weird bleed on Wednesday. I don't know what it was. It was just some random blood. I'm not supposed to start my period until next week and the bleeding stopped almost as soon as it started. I got really fatigued on my Saturday run and my boobs are super sensitive but I'm not buying a pregnancy test. I managed a 4 mile run with no problems on Wednesday.

My prayer is for peace and health. I don't want to be on the "am-I-pregnant-or-not" roller coaster and then the "can I carry this baby to term" worry that will come.

AND who ever created the word "miscarriage" as if I miss-carried the baby and that's why it didn't come to term. The term itself indicates a fault in me and I resent it.

Fixing Me

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. It's hard for me to type out all of my struggles at the moment. I have been going through a time where I feel like God is the best counselor for me.

I'm more unsure of myself than I've ever been in my life. I question my judgement on everything. It's a new thing for me to bring everything before the Lord before I speak or do it. Doing that gives me a lot of peace - that, if what I choose to do or say is wrong, I have, at least, put my motives before the Lord for examination. I don't think that the Lord likes my uncertainty. I think he wants me to be confident in Him.

Crying Ace. I guess this line of thought will have to wait for another day.

How do you change yourself?

So, when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, what do you do? How do you change? I have 28 good years of setting myself in my ways. I've convinced myself that the way I do everything is the right way. The way I put the dishes in the dishwasher - it's not the only way but it's the correct way. Cleaning the lint drawer every time I dry a load of clothes - it's not required but it's the right way, right? I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm sure that I would rather be happy than right.

My list of rights and wrongs is really getting in the way of my happiness. My problem is that I thrive in routine and I love doing things the same way every time. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I get paid to be that way.

God is really challenging me to change for Him. Change so that I can be everything He wants me to be and so that he can give me the things he wants for me. I want those things. I want to be the woman he wants. It's so hard to look at every part of myself and find shortcomings in the areas I felt strength before. It's hard to balance self-examination and being wary of feeling "not good enough" and like a failure. It's hard to look at who I am and have hope that I can become anything different.

Journal 49 - One and only time

This is the ONE and ONLY time you will ever in my life hear me excited that I am on my period!!!!! Sorry to share my monthly flow information if someone is reading this. I really expected to start last weekend...right in the middle of a weekend with friends, of course. When it never came, I was a little anxious. I just want "normal" when it comes to my body. One period started, one to go and then all that's left is for Jonathan to decide it's time. That may seem like getting my period was the easy part.

Journal 48 - I wouldn't call it "good"

So I need to clear something up on the record...I don't think that the miscarriage was a good thing.

I have said that everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord. That doesn't mean that everything that happens is good.

BUT, I believe that God can have good come out of even something this painful. I've seen things here and there that comfort me. I think, if it had to happen, I'm at least glad of this or that opportunity that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I feel like a lot of friends are going through some serious times right now and God has given me hope in their strength and perseverance. He has given me fellow strugglers. He has made me one of their fellow strugglers.

In that line of thinking...this blog has a new meaning for me. I named it "Kelly's Belly" to reflect my physical belly but I think it's turned into my spiritual "belly" - what's going on deep inside me. I may post here and there about the miscarriage from here on out but God is teaching me more than just how to deal with a miscarriage.

Really and truly, I just need an outlet since I'm at home working and mommy-ing all day. These posts are for me. So I can document my spiritual journey - imperfect and struggling as it is. I'm imperfect, worldly and sinful and I hope someday I can read these entries and see what God has done in me.

Journal 47 - Something I needed to hear

Before Friday, I had just secretly hidden a thought to myself about the miscarriage. I'm so glad I shared it with Brittany...

A few months ago, I was talking to my boss on the telephone. All of a sudden, I just had to "go." I told her I had to run but I'd call her right back. When I got back on the phone I actually said, "Sorry, I don't know what happened. All of a sudden it felt like I was having a miscarriage or something." I actually used miscarriage as a analogy for having to use the BATHROOM! Not ONLY that but I used it with my boss who had suffered several miscarriages before having her twins through fertility treatments. Really, Kelly?!

Sometimes, I lose my senses - particulary my common sense. It used to happen a lot when I was younger...like telling our landlord that my mom didn't like her curtains or telling my mom what my dad had bought her for her birthday. One time, I asked my dad if he was "sucking up to his boss" when that boss was about two steps away. It was forgiveable when I was under 10!

When I was on the phone with Brittany on Friday, I didn't really want to share that because it's really embarrassing but, because God knew I was ashamed of ever saying anything so thoughtless, I just felt the story come out before I knew it. I told her that part of me thought my miscarriage was punishment for being so flippant about miscarriage. Brittany reminded me that God isn't like that. He would never punish me by taking away my baby. He had already revealed the stupidity of my statement to me long before I miscarried.

I just needed to hear it said with the certainty and authority with which she said it.
Thanks Brit. I love you.

Journal 46 - Song

We've started singing this song at church and I wish I knew who sang it but it truly coming from my heart right now...

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all.
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours."

Abandoned and surrendered. Those words are perfect.

Journal 45 - Gee Whiz

The doctor looked inside and saw no "products" left over so I'm physically free of the miscarriage. I can return to my workout which is a big stress relief and life as "normal." No "trying" for two cycles and I told Jonathan that I would like to quit "trying" altogether. Meaning - I strongly dislike the whole idea of "trying" (I don't care if anyone else does it - it just doesn't make me happy. It makes me a stressed out mess and doesn't give Jonathan that lovin' feeling.) So we're done "trying" and we'll let God try for us.

She did say that she now thinks it wasn't a blighted ovum. The amount of blood and looking through all of the ultrasounds, she thinks that a baby formed but I miscarried. Taking some time to process that put a little fear in me. I would prefer a blighted ovum because it means that it's the egg and the sperm's fault - not really anything to do with me. I feel like it's more to do with me now and more likely to happen again (not "likely" just "more likely"). It's like the Lord was saying, "thanks for trusting in me these past two weeks, let's just keep it up until you get pregnant again and then for 9 months after that..." Ok, Lord - continuing trust. I'll try.

Journal 44 - Back to the Doc

So, I'm a little nervous this morning. I'm going back to the doctor at 2pm today. Hopefully she will tell me that everything looks great...or as great as those things look. I would love to be told that I can start exercising again as I feel like I've put on weight these past two weeks with the stress of the miscarriage in the middle of the busiest season at work. Just insult to injury! I'm hoping that cyst can just stay where it is and disappear. I'm hoping that my womb is totally healed. Jonathan and I are a little worried about this since I bled so, so much for over a week. I don't think she'll have any more answers for me as to the why of it all. It would only be a medical explanation anyway.

Journal 43 - Ready Ready

I know that coventional wisdom says that there needs to be time to heal physically and emotionally after a miscarriage. My mind knows that getting pregnant won't make up for what happened. In fact, I know that I need time to digest what's happened and learn what God has for me in this moment. So, despite all of that, I'm no-so-secretly confessing that I'm so ready to have another baby. If only my heart and mind were on the same page. My heart is ready, ready. My mind is saying, "slow down." So I'll reluctantly listen to my mind. Tonight we were introduced to a friend's baby who is only a week old. It took me right back to how happy I was to see my Acey for the first time.

Ace and I had such a wonderful day today. The only thing that was missing was our Daddy, who was stuck at work. We played for two hours at the play castle at the mall. We spent another 45 minutes on the carousel and then ate lunch at the food court and went home and both took naps. When he woke up, we went downstairs, turned on the radio and danced together for another 30 minutes. It's joy on days like today that make me want to move on to tomorrow and grow our family. I want more moments like when he tells me "monkey pooted," "Hula doooo-ing," and "cuckoo sleeping." How could I ever stop wanting things like that because of this experience?

Right now, I really just need time to lose all of the weight that I'm gaining from out of whack hormones!

Journal 42 - Miscarriage Counsel

Jonathan and I contacted a guy up at church because we wanted to talk to someone about the miscarriage who could help us process it together. We met on Wednesday and I had a big lesson learned. I discovered that my mistake was to come home from the doctor's appointment and immediately tell my mom that it was probably a false pregnancy. What I should have done was to ask Jonathan what HE wanted to tell everyone. I should have considered his feelings and what he was ready or not ready to share with friends and family. I thought this miscarriage was all about me: my body, my blood, my womb, my feelings...most people are concerned with the woman in these situations, right? So I kind of thought I would dictate the situation but we are a partnership and should share in these decisions.

Gosh, there is so much to remember in matrimony.

Journal 41 - Does it matter?

Does it matter whether it was a baby I miscarried or a false pregnancy? To me, it doesn't matter. The result is the same - I'm not pregnant and I lost something that I wanted and was so looking forward to. The sadness is the same. The recovery is the same. My God is the same. But, to Jonathan, it matters. He doesn't want me telling anyone that it was "just" a false pregnancy. I think he believes that it diminishes what happened. In my mind, they are both just as heartbreaking. Mom and Leah both said that they think a false pregnancy would be easier to accept because there was no baby. I've tried to look at it from every angle and the only thing I can see is that, from a guy's perspective, we were as pregnant as he would ever get - seeing the positive test and listening to me talk about it. So no matter what kind of pregnant we were, Jonathan was completely pregnant. For me - no kicks, no daily talks, no back pain, no doctor's appointments, no hearing a heartbeat, no any other emotional and physical link - I was less "pregnant." I don't think the life lost or potential for life lost is any less-worthy of my love and grief. The blood was the same. But it matters to Jonathan and I have to deal with that. Lord please give me wisdom and strength and thank you for the abundance you've already poured on me. I pray everyone can know your love.

Journal 40 - Sad Day

Today was Ace's 2nd birthday. Although it should bring me no end of happiness, as he took his afternoon nap today, I thought to myself, "2 years ago today was the happiest day of my life and 2 years from then is a really low point." I'm prayerful that 2 years from now, I will be rejoicing of how far I've come again. This time, in the happy direction.

I can't really allow myself to think of not having more babies. I'm anxious to get checked out by the doctor (scheduled for another ultrasound a week from Tuesday to check out a cyst - not expected to be anything). I won't even comment on bleeding because every time I say it's stopped, it starts again. Not being able to have any more babies is a fear in the back of my mind right now. Jonathan not wanting to have more babies is a really big fear. I don't want to push him right now but I'm craving the reassurance.

It was hard to have everyone leave today. Kind of takes the distractions away. It was fun to spend all afternoon with Ace and play and focus on him for his entire birthday. If he's all I'm ever meant to have, what a blessed gift he is. Nothing more to say tonight.

Journal 39 - Ping Pong

I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not.
I'm tired.
I woke up this morning...no blood. Hooray. Praise the Lord.
I went to have MORE blood drawn (just to check that my pregnancy-hormone levels are decreasing). I gave the PA the great news - no blood. Feeling great.
I went home to work a little before lunch with a good friend...bleeding again. A lot actually. Semi-big clot. Now feeling not so great.
Do I worry, do I not. Do I worry, do I not.
What a roller coaster. Thank the Lord that he is constant.

Journal 38 - Some relief

I think the bleeding is finally trailing off. I'm so relieved. I can't believe all that has transacted in a week. I feel like it has happened to someone else at this point. I feel bad for her but am not really experiencing many feelings about this right now. I found the five stages of grief online...not really in denial, not angry, not bargaining, not depressed...I just kind of skipped to acceptance. Now I'm just ready to get on with the business of waiting: waiting to return to a regular cycle, then waiting to start trying, then waiting to get (hopefully) pregnant. What a scary moment that will be.

Out of all of this, I love and treasure Ace even more, if that is possible. I kiss him more and tell him I love him even more. I love touching his little skin and cheeks and holding him and watching him just be a healthy, happy little boy. Children are a gift - they aren't a right.

Journal 37 - Never-ending

As I got into bed last night, thankful to start sleeping away my cares, I passed another huge clot. Out of bed again and more worry. I choose to believe this is the last of it and that now the bleeding should clear up. The doctor didn't expect any more clots or bleeding after Monday's visit but I'm not panicking. 24 hours without pain medicine - so there is praise in yesterday. Only little pains here and there. I'm constantly starving and eating. The thought of being back at square one is disheartening. God is just squeezing as much trust and faith out of me as he can get. I feel very squeezed - I'm envisioning that it's a hug. Jonathan just keeps asking if I'm still bleeding, which makes me feel like it's been forever. There was hilarity the other night when he asked me if I wanted my diapers put outside with Ace's. Oh the humility! Everyone heals in their own way - Jonathan heals with humor. I love him.

Journal 36 - Doctor's visit

Jonathan went with me to the OB yesterday. I was so nervous about what she would say. I just didn't want to hear that I could never have babies again. Instead, she said exactly the opposite. So far in the opposite direction that my feelings are confused again. She said that we probably just had a "blighted ovum." That's where the sperm just nicks the egg but there's no penetration. The egg thinks it's been fertilized so a sac forms and the pregnancy hormone is released. Boobs swell, naseau ensues, pregnancy test comes up positive...but there's really no baby. That explains why the ultra sound revealed a sac but no baby or heartbeat. So now what? There was never a baby in the first place. My body and heart just thought there was. So should I not be as sad because there wasn't a life lost? I guess it's supposed to make it easier. So I'll let it. She also said that the likelihood of it happening again is rare. I pray! I'm still bleeding and in some pain. According to the doctor, when I healed from Ace's c-section, some parts of the uterus attached to my scar (totally normal). So now, as my cervix contracts back to its normal size, the scar is making the contractions really sensitive. She expects the bleeding to stop soon. No exercise or you-know-what for me for two weeks after the bleeding stops. No trying to get pregnant again until after my cycle has returned to normal for about 2 months. Jonathan says he doesn't want to try again for awhile. He's scared to go through this again. My heart breaks for him. I'm not sure how to comfort him. I'm glad that he stayed home from work yesterday. He slept most of the afternoon. I just pray that God gives him the comfort that I have right now.

Journal 35 - Morning/ Mourning

I slept most of yesterday. I think that most of my pain medication is wearing off now. I'm debating whether to take more. It's a work day so I need to stay alert but there is a dull ache and sometimes sharp cramps in my stomach. I'm still bleeding. I passed most everything yesterday, I believe. It was nice to sleep and rest. When Mom brought Ace home last night, my stomach really started to hurt and I got exhausted fast. He, at least, snuggled in my lap for about 30 minutes while Mom took Jonathan to pick up his car from the ER where he left it yesterday. I am so grateful for Ace. Having had one healthy pregnancy really gives me hope. I know that I should spend some time mourning this baby and dealing with the grief. Right now, I just prefer to look forward and hope that the doctor will tell me today that I can have more children. The pain is my reminder, I guess. I made it through the first phone calls with family. Those were the toughest, I think. I know that nobody knows what to say. I don't really either. Jonathan bought a new tree for the front yard. Out of the love languages, gifts are the least meaningful to me...but that tree will always be the most treasured gift he's ever given me. If we ever move, we'll have to uproot it.

On to work and the welcome distraction it brings.

Journal 34 - Hard News

What do you title a blog posting on miscarriage? What do you say? It's my time to figure it out. I went back to the emergency room this morning. I woke up at 1:39am and after I went to the bathroom there were huge blood clots. Huge. I knew what it meant. I put on an tank top (which I realized was backwards before running out the door. thank goodness because it was a racer-back.) and ran all over the house looking for Jonathan. He wasn't anywhere to be found but his car was in the garage. I called my aunt to ask her to come over (poor Aunt Barby). I called Jonathan's cellphone and it turned out he was taking a walk in the neighborhood to clear his head and lose his worries. He raced back to the house to wait for Aunt Barby and I took off to the emergency room. It was so hard to write "miscarriage" in the "Reason For Visit" box. The whole drive there I just kept telling God, "it's ok. it's ok." It's ok if this is what God allows in our life. His will is always ok and I will accept it and love Him.

After signing in the nurse called me back and asked all the questions I had answered less than 24 hours before: no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes...just please get someone to look between my legs! They took me back to Room #9 and I waited for another needle stick. The emergency room doctor asked more questions and then pried me open. He said that my cervix was still closed (it's usually open with a miscarriage). He rated my bleeding a 3 (about 30 minutes ago I encountered level 10). I was having stomach pains but it felt like really bad gas, not labor contractions. The doc left kinda suddenly which scared me but Jonathan walked in a few minutes later and the room brightened for me.

30 minutes later it was back to ultrasound. It was the same tech as that morning. As I was leaving, I saw the screen she was working from and there was clearly a sac on the screen. There didn't look to be anything in it. The nurses wheeled us back to the room. 45 minutes later, the doctor came in and said that the ultrasound revealed no baby and no heartbeat. He further added that both should be apparent at this stage. He said that I was certainly having a miscarriage. To hear him say that he was sorry was really hard. I so badly wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be sorry because the Lord is taking good care of me but I couldn't form the words. He told us to wait for some pain medication and then left.

Jonathan and I sat there for 30 minutes, together. He was trying so hard to be encouraging. He said that he still had hope. I truly know that Jonathan is my angel in husband form. The nurse came in with some morphine, stuck me in the leg and told us to (no surprise) wait another 25-30 minutes to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction. In that time, I really relaxed and almost fell asleep. Each time I opened my eyes, Jonathan was looking at me - vigilant and loving and I know that God is watching me even closer.

Jonathan drove me home and my bed has never been so welcome. Aunt Barby had taken Ace to her house. I thanked Jonathan again for moving us to Houston.

I woke up this morning about 9:30 and asked the Lord to comfort me as I wobbled to the bathroom. Everything was as last night had been. I went back to bed until 10:30 when Jonathan came in to the bedroom with breakfast. As he took the tray, I went to call my mom and felt a huge gush. That was it. I imagine the bleeding will trail off from here.

I want to cry. I want to give in to sadness and loss and all of those feelings. But more so, I want to honor my God who daily lets me live and breathe and have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. God's wisdom is more than I can understand. I guess I know the first question I will have for him when he welcomes me home...why? In the meantime, I don't need to know why. I know that it is God's best for me.

To add, there was a girl who was 21 weeks along, spotting and having severe stomach pain while I was in the ER last night. I just kept thinking, "Thank you Lord, that you've given me this pain and not that one."

God giveth and God taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Journal 33 - 50/50

After 4 hours in the "not-so-emergency-room" I came out with a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Not very encouraging. I made Jonathan stay at home to be with Ace. Probably not the wisest choice unless I think about how impatient he would have been throughout 4 hours of waiting. I got there about 6am, waited 30 minutes to be seen and shown to a room where the nurse stuck me with an IV and took a thousand vials of blood. An hour later I got a pelvic exam. Another hour later I got an ultra sound. 45 minutes after that they took out my IV and sent me home. The nurse said that my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are through the roof (20,000+) but that the ultrasound did not reveal a clear sac, baby or heartbeat - which all are normally apparent at this point. So I am definitely pregnant but they can't see a baby or tell if it's alive. The pregnancy hormones are kind of my pinprick of hope at this point. The bleeding has slowed and turned clear. The doctor also found that my cervix is closed during the pelvic exam...a good sign. I'm supposed to follow up with my OB on Monday. I hate looking up anything related to abnormalities during pregnancy because websites always give you the worst case scenario. So it's another waiting game. I'm living in the peace of the Lord moment to moment at this point. I love you baby and pray that you are safe and sound.

Journal 32 - Feeling Scared

Well, I started bleeding yesterday. I called the doctor immediately and spoke with a nurse. She asked if the blood was clotted and it isn't so she said not to worry unless the blood was clotting or I soaked a pad. That was about 11am. I spotted off and on all day yesterday and through the night. When I went to the bathroom this morning there was a clot. It was small and I'm trying to remain calm about it. All of the miscarriage sites from Google say that there will be cramping. Right now, I just have a really sick feeling in my stomach from not knowing whether I'm miscarrying this baby. I'm subduing my desire to run to the emergency room. I will just wait a little while longer. I really want to throw up. Maybe I'll just go. Going to tell Jonathan.

Journal 31 - Really almost 2 months

My little pregnancy ticker says I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant. It feels like an eternity of secret keeping. I think I'm about two weeks shorter than that though. Not showing even in the least. Energy is fine. Appetite is good. I told Ace I have a baby in my belly but he seems uninterested. I keep wondering how I'm going to hold Ace and care for him as the baby grows and once it's here. I can't wait until I can snuggle one up under each arm in bed with Jonathan and kiss from head to head.

Journal 30 - Feeling Good

I'm feeling good this morning. Just a thing or two here and there of discomfort. My old scar from Ace's delivery was really painful and sensitive yesterday so I'm anxious to see the doctor in two weeks and ask her about that. Hopefully it goes away. This whole keeping it a secret thing is no fun. I can't figure out why I still want to keep it from everyone but I'm still not planning on telling anyone until the end of April or beginning of May. I'm sure I will tell all of the girls at Girls' Weekend. I'm a little more nervous about this pregnancy. I just feel it's more fragile than Ace. Maybe because I realize how precious is this little life whereas it didn't really feel real with Ace. I'm definitely letting Ace do more on his own in anticipation of being more tired. I'm missing our one-story house in Waco right now. Workouts haven't been fatiguing at all but I've stopped running altogether. My heart rate just gets too high, too fast and it's hard to hold the heart rate sensors constantly (I'm sure that I look silly too, running while holding on to them). So it's been the elliptical and bike for me. I've got to read up on weight training safety. I'm going to attempt to half my weight gain this time...from 50 to 25!

Journal 29 - Stories

Why does it seem that when you get pregnant, you start to hear all of the horror stories? Just this weekend, there was a couple who told their story of not hearing a heartbeat at their first ultrasound. This morning, there was a tub-drowning story in my email inbox. Ace stopped breathing during labor but I tend to share that story with mothers who have healthy babies not ones in the WOMB! Maybe I just notice the stories more, being pregnant.

So, on to some good news! I haven't been sick - only those two naseous nights before I took the pregnancy tests. I have been super tired but it may just be the daylight savings time adjustment. This morning my mind was wandering while I laid in bed and I was thinking of what it will be like once this new baby is here. The first few weeks, until my stomach heals, will be tough because I can't pick up Ace or hold him. I think I will start praying for that time now.

I keep looking sideways in the mirror, convinced that I am showing. Deep down, I know that it's just the McDonalds I ate on Friday. I hope that you are doing ok in there baby. Time to feed you. I have noticed that skipping a meal is not an option right now.

Journal 28 - 2 in 1

I know, two posts in one day??? A little much. But I need and OUTLET. This is the fourth time in my life that I've had news this big (1. salvation, 2. engagement, 3. Ace) and I've got to keep it to MYSELF. The first time, I got to concentrate all on Ace. I won't be able to do that with this one. It will be a new kind of experience. I guess baby #2 just has to come and show me that I have love and attention enough for two. I called the doctor and made my first check-up for April. I remember Ace's first ultrasound where he looked like such a tiny got. This one is even smaller! She said that I'm 5 weeks along but I don't think we got pregnant until later in February and she is dating back to January. I wonder if they'll schedule delivery early to do another c-section...oh the recovery! Back to work.

Journal 27 - Big News!

We're PREGNANT!
It's make me smile just to say it. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed already: excitement, relief, curiousity, anticipation, anxiety, self-doubt...can we do this? I guess we are. I fell in love with Jonathan all over again at his reaction to being pregnant. He's excited and encouraging when I was really worried he'd be nervous and consider it ill timing. He's such a wonderful dad and loves Ace so much. He's so funny in that he already wants to know the sex of the baby. Now I'm praying for the baby's good health and for the naseau and exhaustion to subside. I've asked Jonathan to keep this secret until late April or May, once we've hit the three-month mark. I hope we can do it.
Welcome into our hearts little one. We are excited to love you.

Journal 26 - Moment of Truth

Ok - I'm officially 4 to 5 days late. I've been naseous the past 3 mornings and I've got zero appetite. I bought a pregnancy test this morning and am planning to take it as soon as Ace wakes up. I've planned for Ace to give it to Jonathan if it's positive. I'm surprised at the timing...just when I understood and accepted God's delay over the past 5 months, here we go. I'm nervous to tell Jonathan. I know he has NO idea. I told myself months ago that I would keep a pregnancy to myself for a week to treasure the secret but I just can't keep it from Jonathan. I don't know how Mary did it...and I'm not even carrying the Savior of the World! For that matter, I haven't even taken the test. Will post whether it's positive or negative. Are you in my tummy little one?

Journal 25 - Another round of hope

It's the 27th. I feel some rumblings in my stomach but I ate black bean soup last night. I expect to start any time but I am hoping against hope that these two days that I am late turn in to 3 today and then 4 tomorrow and so on. Work has been stressful and I haven't exercised in a week. I've been eating horribly and not taking great care of myself this past week. All of that will lead to a little indigestion and feeling off, I know. I am so hoping that I'm pregnant instead. A baby right now would be so welcome to my heart and soul. I am striving and working and painfully trying to be all that God wants me to be: gentle, quiet (that's the hardest), faithful, prayerful, humble, discerning, patient...so in line with that, God my desire for this baby is yours. You know that it's there and knowing that you will take care of my desire, I put your will above mine. Even if I'm not pregnant, I'm grateful for these late days that give me hope and excitement.

Journal 24 - On the 24th!

Today's my normal start day. In spite of myself, I'm hoping that I'm pregnant. In the middle of stress, work and spiritual battles, I'm hoping for the blessing of a child. If I'm not, I imagine that there is still struggling to do. I guess I'm wishing for a piece of hope in this tough time. Ace is such a bringer of joy - that's the best way to describe him. He does it wherever he goes. I want more of that. I want another little bundle of smiles, laughs and innocence. I can imagine that the kingdom of Heaven is full of these souls and it's what I'll be like there. My soul is already there each time I see Ace and think of a new baby.

Journal 23 - God's Wisdom

God knows so much more than I do. He knows the future and it's so clear to me now. I understand why he's delayed our pregnancy. He knew the things that would develop and knew that pregnancy would make them harder. I really wanted to get pregnant this month. I know that babies bring their own set of stresses. I can't reconcile my heart and my head right now. God, thank you that you are in control and thank you for making my path easier without a pregnancy to deal with. I do desire a baby, in your time.

Journal 22 - Wouldn't ya know...

Wouldn't you just know that right when I start ovulating, Jonathan and I would get into a disagreement! Don't feel much like adding to the human race with him at the moment. I guess the test was better than I previously complained because the line showed up a DEEP shade of purple yesterday and this morning. The Lord is such a jokester. I think he's trying to teach me something...maybe I'm just refusing to listen. I don't like fighting with Jonathan. It's probably the thing that discourages me more than anything. I could blow it up into serious drama and ask "how could I bring a child into the world with a man who doesn't understand me sometimes..." but that would be overdramatic...and I don't understand me sometimes. Lord, can't I just have a sign this once??? My character should be refined and sparkling after this. I'm sure I'll find another trial to throw myself into. Oh for the Millenial kingdom! (Now that's dramatic.)

Journal 21 - Dumb Test!

So I am thinking I ovulated yesterday but that dumb test told me I wasn't. If we don't get pregnant this month, I don't think I'll purchase another ovulation test. It's fun to take the tests every day but I totally got what I DIDN'T pay for. I-YI-YI!

Journal 20 - A New Tactic

So, I took the ovulation test for the first time this morning. It reminded me of the first pregnancy test I took with Ace that I chunked into my chinese leftovers not being able to read it. I would say that I'm ovulating based on the two purple lines that I saw. BUT, one was ever so slightly lighter than the other so maybe I'm not. That's what I get for purchasing the cheap test. Whoever invented the digital readout tests is making some bank. Maybe I'll be able to read the test better after taking them daily. Here's to trying.

Right now, the Lord is hammering us about money and being good stewards of it and teaching Ace to use it wisely for God's glory. It makes me a little nervous to be trying for a baby at the same time. I'm so grateful the power of pregnancy is completely in his hands. Little One, I don't know what kind of world you will be born into but I can't wait for God to grant you to us.

Journal 19 - Arrived Again

My friend arrived again on Saturday...while all of the company was here. I am more anticipatory than disappointed. I purchased an ovulation kit on Saturday morning. So this coming cycle, I can take a test every day...I think that will keep me from wanting to purchase and take a pregnancy test. It should be interesting to chart my ovulation and hopefully I will only have to use it one month! If it doesn't we'll have to take two months off trying so that I can work during busy season in 2010. Little one, we are still eager for you.

Journal 18 - Anticipation

I'm flipping between anxiousness and patience. I don't feel pregnant. At times lately, I don't feel ready to be a mom a second time. I think that's normal. I bought caffeine-free diet coke just in case the caffeine is keeping me from getting pregnant. I also haven't worked out in a week. All of these crazy things go through my head as to why we aren't getting pregnant. Hormones!

Journal 17 - Waiting again

I'm hoping that this weekend is uneventful. Luckily, I've got both families in so I should be preoccupied enough to reach Monday without dwelling on my baby expectations. So much can change in just one week. Will post results.

Journal 16 - Next Week

Next week should tell me whether or not we are pregnant. I don't feel any differently and, if my workouts are anything to judge by, I haven't had any fatigue or sickness. So, we decided we were ready to get pregnant in October and here we are in January. I'm trying to focus on God's perfect timing. It doesn't matter when WE decided we were ready. God alone knows when we're really ready. So Baby, whenever you come, we are anticipating your arrival and can't wait for you to be in my tummy. Hopefully we will discover you next week.