Journal 25 - Another round of hope

It's the 27th. I feel some rumblings in my stomach but I ate black bean soup last night. I expect to start any time but I am hoping against hope that these two days that I am late turn in to 3 today and then 4 tomorrow and so on. Work has been stressful and I haven't exercised in a week. I've been eating horribly and not taking great care of myself this past week. All of that will lead to a little indigestion and feeling off, I know. I am so hoping that I'm pregnant instead. A baby right now would be so welcome to my heart and soul. I am striving and working and painfully trying to be all that God wants me to be: gentle, quiet (that's the hardest), faithful, prayerful, humble, discerning, patient...so in line with that, God my desire for this baby is yours. You know that it's there and knowing that you will take care of my desire, I put your will above mine. Even if I'm not pregnant, I'm grateful for these late days that give me hope and excitement.

Journal 24 - On the 24th!

Today's my normal start day. In spite of myself, I'm hoping that I'm pregnant. In the middle of stress, work and spiritual battles, I'm hoping for the blessing of a child. If I'm not, I imagine that there is still struggling to do. I guess I'm wishing for a piece of hope in this tough time. Ace is such a bringer of joy - that's the best way to describe him. He does it wherever he goes. I want more of that. I want another little bundle of smiles, laughs and innocence. I can imagine that the kingdom of Heaven is full of these souls and it's what I'll be like there. My soul is already there each time I see Ace and think of a new baby.

Journal 23 - God's Wisdom

God knows so much more than I do. He knows the future and it's so clear to me now. I understand why he's delayed our pregnancy. He knew the things that would develop and knew that pregnancy would make them harder. I really wanted to get pregnant this month. I know that babies bring their own set of stresses. I can't reconcile my heart and my head right now. God, thank you that you are in control and thank you for making my path easier without a pregnancy to deal with. I do desire a baby, in your time.

Journal 22 - Wouldn't ya know...

Wouldn't you just know that right when I start ovulating, Jonathan and I would get into a disagreement! Don't feel much like adding to the human race with him at the moment. I guess the test was better than I previously complained because the line showed up a DEEP shade of purple yesterday and this morning. The Lord is such a jokester. I think he's trying to teach me something...maybe I'm just refusing to listen. I don't like fighting with Jonathan. It's probably the thing that discourages me more than anything. I could blow it up into serious drama and ask "how could I bring a child into the world with a man who doesn't understand me sometimes..." but that would be overdramatic...and I don't understand me sometimes. Lord, can't I just have a sign this once??? My character should be refined and sparkling after this. I'm sure I'll find another trial to throw myself into. Oh for the Millenial kingdom! (Now that's dramatic.)

Journal 21 - Dumb Test!

So I am thinking I ovulated yesterday but that dumb test told me I wasn't. If we don't get pregnant this month, I don't think I'll purchase another ovulation test. It's fun to take the tests every day but I totally got what I DIDN'T pay for. I-YI-YI!

Journal 20 - A New Tactic

So, I took the ovulation test for the first time this morning. It reminded me of the first pregnancy test I took with Ace that I chunked into my chinese leftovers not being able to read it. I would say that I'm ovulating based on the two purple lines that I saw. BUT, one was ever so slightly lighter than the other so maybe I'm not. That's what I get for purchasing the cheap test. Whoever invented the digital readout tests is making some bank. Maybe I'll be able to read the test better after taking them daily. Here's to trying.

Right now, the Lord is hammering us about money and being good stewards of it and teaching Ace to use it wisely for God's glory. It makes me a little nervous to be trying for a baby at the same time. I'm so grateful the power of pregnancy is completely in his hands. Little One, I don't know what kind of world you will be born into but I can't wait for God to grant you to us.