Journal 34 - Hard News

What do you title a blog posting on miscarriage? What do you say? It's my time to figure it out. I went back to the emergency room this morning. I woke up at 1:39am and after I went to the bathroom there were huge blood clots. Huge. I knew what it meant. I put on an tank top (which I realized was backwards before running out the door. thank goodness because it was a racer-back.) and ran all over the house looking for Jonathan. He wasn't anywhere to be found but his car was in the garage. I called my aunt to ask her to come over (poor Aunt Barby). I called Jonathan's cellphone and it turned out he was taking a walk in the neighborhood to clear his head and lose his worries. He raced back to the house to wait for Aunt Barby and I took off to the emergency room. It was so hard to write "miscarriage" in the "Reason For Visit" box. The whole drive there I just kept telling God, "it's ok. it's ok." It's ok if this is what God allows in our life. His will is always ok and I will accept it and love Him.

After signing in the nurse called me back and asked all the questions I had answered less than 24 hours before: no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes...just please get someone to look between my legs! They took me back to Room #9 and I waited for another needle stick. The emergency room doctor asked more questions and then pried me open. He said that my cervix was still closed (it's usually open with a miscarriage). He rated my bleeding a 3 (about 30 minutes ago I encountered level 10). I was having stomach pains but it felt like really bad gas, not labor contractions. The doc left kinda suddenly which scared me but Jonathan walked in a few minutes later and the room brightened for me.

30 minutes later it was back to ultrasound. It was the same tech as that morning. As I was leaving, I saw the screen she was working from and there was clearly a sac on the screen. There didn't look to be anything in it. The nurses wheeled us back to the room. 45 minutes later, the doctor came in and said that the ultrasound revealed no baby and no heartbeat. He further added that both should be apparent at this stage. He said that I was certainly having a miscarriage. To hear him say that he was sorry was really hard. I so badly wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be sorry because the Lord is taking good care of me but I couldn't form the words. He told us to wait for some pain medication and then left.

Jonathan and I sat there for 30 minutes, together. He was trying so hard to be encouraging. He said that he still had hope. I truly know that Jonathan is my angel in husband form. The nurse came in with some morphine, stuck me in the leg and told us to (no surprise) wait another 25-30 minutes to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction. In that time, I really relaxed and almost fell asleep. Each time I opened my eyes, Jonathan was looking at me - vigilant and loving and I know that God is watching me even closer.

Jonathan drove me home and my bed has never been so welcome. Aunt Barby had taken Ace to her house. I thanked Jonathan again for moving us to Houston.

I woke up this morning about 9:30 and asked the Lord to comfort me as I wobbled to the bathroom. Everything was as last night had been. I went back to bed until 10:30 when Jonathan came in to the bedroom with breakfast. As he took the tray, I went to call my mom and felt a huge gush. That was it. I imagine the bleeding will trail off from here.

I want to cry. I want to give in to sadness and loss and all of those feelings. But more so, I want to honor my God who daily lets me live and breathe and have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. God's wisdom is more than I can understand. I guess I know the first question I will have for him when he welcomes me home...why? In the meantime, I don't need to know why. I know that it is God's best for me.

To add, there was a girl who was 21 weeks along, spotting and having severe stomach pain while I was in the ER last night. I just kept thinking, "Thank you Lord, that you've given me this pain and not that one."

God giveth and God taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.