I caved

Yesterday was a low, low day. After making my last entry, I ran to CVS for a pregnancy test. I know, I know, I know. It was negative. I completely lost control of myself. I needed that cry. I'm sure that it was completely hormonal. Here's the real curse of Adam's bite of apple:

• I know that I should joy in my healthy two-year-old instead of wallowing in self-pity.



• I know I shouldn't torture myself with the broken "am I pregnant" record that plays in my head each month.



• I know I should rest in the peace and trust of my loving God who is in complete control.



• I know I shouldn't obsess.



• I know I shouldn't cry over God's planning of my future.

But I do these things. All of them. And I hate myself for them. I shared my struggle with Jonathan and immediately regretted it. Guys don't get hormones. Lord, once again, it's only you I can come before. Why can't I learn that lesson?

Prayer: God, I give control to you again. I give my desire for another child to you again. I give my anxiousness and self-loathing to you again. I am without words for your grace and love again.

I Googled

Why did I Google "pregnancy symptoms"? Whenever you Google any sort of condition, illness or anything of the sort you ALWAYS have it, right? It actually said that some women experience a random bleed when the embryo implants into the uterus. NOW my hopes are way up. My head has hurt last night and today so OF COURSE when the symptoms include headaches I'm like, "I have those." My boobs have been smushed in a sports bra which could've caused the breast tenderness. I never look at my nipples so how would I know if they've darkened??? Oh, why do I do this to myself. This is self-torture.

More waiting.

Why do I do this to myself?

Maybe God made me a girl to develop patience in me. I'm 2 days away from starting my cycle and just wondering if I'm pregnant. If I have to wonder this much, the answer is probably "no" right? I alternate between: "I really want to be pregnant" and "how am I going to balance TWO babies and work." It's desire/ fear/ desire/ fear...usually ending up with, "there's nothing I can do about either one, now back to whatever it was I was doing." I need about a week's vacation. I can't concentrate on much.

Ace kicked me hard in the stomach last night and it made me worry. I really need something else to focus on. Motherhood right now is so sweet...despite the kicks in the gut.

New Journey

I haven't posted or even composed a post in a while. I was all ready to make this a forum to document my spiritual journey and then God said, "You want a journey? Here's some oceans to swim, there's some quicksand to tread and here's Mt. Kilmanjaro, let's hike." I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to share all of those pieces of my past few months, or rather, I don't want the opinions and gossip.

Better to start here, right now. God put me on his back to carry me out of the past few months and now for the future. Jonathan just told me last week that he is ready for another baby. WHAT?! I had given that desire to God in every way and really didn't expect to even have a hope of Jonathan saying he was ready for another year or so. BUT I did pray for it.

Without much time to enjoy Jonathan's change of heart, I got a weird bleed on Wednesday. I don't know what it was. It was just some random blood. I'm not supposed to start my period until next week and the bleeding stopped almost as soon as it started. I got really fatigued on my Saturday run and my boobs are super sensitive but I'm not buying a pregnancy test. I managed a 4 mile run with no problems on Wednesday.

My prayer is for peace and health. I don't want to be on the "am-I-pregnant-or-not" roller coaster and then the "can I carry this baby to term" worry that will come.

AND who ever created the word "miscarriage" as if I miss-carried the baby and that's why it didn't come to term. The term itself indicates a fault in me and I resent it.