I caved

Yesterday was a low, low day. After making my last entry, I ran to CVS for a pregnancy test. I know, I know, I know. It was negative. I completely lost control of myself. I needed that cry. I'm sure that it was completely hormonal. Here's the real curse of Adam's bite of apple:

• I know that I should joy in my healthy two-year-old instead of wallowing in self-pity.



• I know I shouldn't torture myself with the broken "am I pregnant" record that plays in my head each month.



• I know I should rest in the peace and trust of my loving God who is in complete control.



• I know I shouldn't obsess.



• I know I shouldn't cry over God's planning of my future.

But I do these things. All of them. And I hate myself for them. I shared my struggle with Jonathan and immediately regretted it. Guys don't get hormones. Lord, once again, it's only you I can come before. Why can't I learn that lesson?

Prayer: God, I give control to you again. I give my desire for another child to you again. I give my anxiousness and self-loathing to you again. I am without words for your grace and love again.