Is the truth hard or am I soft?

This blog is where I say things that are too difficult to say in person but so therapeutic to release.

My Meme is wonderful. She is lively and uncensored. She tells inappropriate jokes, always dresses for a party, plays cards like a shark and ALWAYS has at least ten presents for everyone when she visits.

Right now, Meme is sick. She wants to be released from her pain and sickness so she's not eating. I don't understand this. My mom has tried to explain it but Christ keeps telling me that it's wrong. HE decides our time to go, not us. What if there is still a project left for her that she'll never get to do because she wants to check out? What if there's something left for her to teach me or Ace? Why can't I call her and tell her that Jesus loves her and that she has victory even in her sickness? I think it's most difficult for me because she's never talked to me about the Lord.

So here is my moment of faith. Why should I expect any of my family members to find my faith legitimate if I don't share it with them? If I REALLY believe no one goes to the Father except through Christ, then why am I not dialing their numbers every minute trying to convince them of Christ? I guess one answer is that I don't want to alienate them. Another is that I am so far from perfect that I don't want them to see me as a hypocrit and be turned off of Christianity (when, truth is, I struggle just like they do and berate myself more for my failings than they ever could). God respects their choices and loves them and so must I.

I don't believe church makes you "good" and I don't consider Christ to be a condiment on my life's sandwich - another thing to make it taste better. He is the CENTER of my life and invited into every thought and action. (I said "invited"...wish I could say "commander"...ahhhh, falling so short.) Anyway....

I love you Meme and I have prayed for you every single night for years I can't count. If you don't believe in Christ, I am not angry with God for not convincing you because he gave you free will. God is unwilling that any should perish. No matter what you believe, and how I WISH you would have told me, I love you in every way I know how. The other night, after we said his nighttime prayers, Ace said, "Dear Lord." and I said, "Save Meme." Ace said, "Save Brookelyn." and we went back and forth over all our family members. I guess God has given me a prayer partner.

Just a girl and Just a boy

My guiltiest pleasure is a good romance story. Especially in my fantasy novels where they have supernatural ways of displaying their love. Hilary and I went to see "Love Happens" on Friday and the kiss at the end gave me the BEST warm fuzzies and I left the theater thinking, "Why can't real life be like that?" Well, if the movie went on past two hours, maybe it would show them sleep deprived, arguing over bills and/ or without perfect makeup and dialogue. I just LOVE love. I love the excitement, the infatuation, the giddiness...as a Christian, I know that those aren't true love. So why have I been so focused on them lately? Why do I dream about being swept off my feet and pray for those giddy feelings to return ('cause they've sure been hiding after almost 6 years of marriage, a two year old and a miscarriage)?



My pastor hit me over the head REALLY early on Sunday morning (went to the 8:30 service). He said that after 7 years his marriage was about to blow because of unmet expectations until he realized that his wife was just a girl (not the fulfiller of his dreams) and his wife realized that he was just a boy (wanting to fulfill her dreams but only doing the best he can). My problem is that I'm in love with my expectations. I love stomach butterflies and a gentle brush of a kiss on the cheek (does Jonathan even LOOK like a gentle-brusher...nope, and if he tried I'd probably scratch at it!). I'm holding on to my not-love. Love is Christ: selfless, humble, suffering...they didn't do any of that in my movie. My pastor was saying that we would be a lot happier in life if we put our expectations in line with what the Bible says..."In this life, you will have trouble...but take heart, for I have overcome the world."

So goodbye expectations of glass slippers and true love's kiss. I won't miss you because I am the bride of Christ. My real love has morning breath and my slippers smell like dirty feet. I change the most wonderful poopy diapers and rarely make it through the day without some sort of stain on my clothes. I am married to just a boy and I am just a girl but we have Christ.

I feel the weight lifting already.