Journal 40 - Sad Day

Today was Ace's 2nd birthday. Although it should bring me no end of happiness, as he took his afternoon nap today, I thought to myself, "2 years ago today was the happiest day of my life and 2 years from then is a really low point." I'm prayerful that 2 years from now, I will be rejoicing of how far I've come again. This time, in the happy direction.

I can't really allow myself to think of not having more babies. I'm anxious to get checked out by the doctor (scheduled for another ultrasound a week from Tuesday to check out a cyst - not expected to be anything). I won't even comment on bleeding because every time I say it's stopped, it starts again. Not being able to have any more babies is a fear in the back of my mind right now. Jonathan not wanting to have more babies is a really big fear. I don't want to push him right now but I'm craving the reassurance.

It was hard to have everyone leave today. Kind of takes the distractions away. It was fun to spend all afternoon with Ace and play and focus on him for his entire birthday. If he's all I'm ever meant to have, what a blessed gift he is. Nothing more to say tonight.

Journal 39 - Ping Pong

I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not.
I'm tired.
I woke up this morning...no blood. Hooray. Praise the Lord.
I went to have MORE blood drawn (just to check that my pregnancy-hormone levels are decreasing). I gave the PA the great news - no blood. Feeling great.
I went home to work a little before lunch with a good friend...bleeding again. A lot actually. Semi-big clot. Now feeling not so great.
Do I worry, do I not. Do I worry, do I not.
What a roller coaster. Thank the Lord that he is constant.

Journal 38 - Some relief

I think the bleeding is finally trailing off. I'm so relieved. I can't believe all that has transacted in a week. I feel like it has happened to someone else at this point. I feel bad for her but am not really experiencing many feelings about this right now. I found the five stages of grief online...not really in denial, not angry, not bargaining, not depressed...I just kind of skipped to acceptance. Now I'm just ready to get on with the business of waiting: waiting to return to a regular cycle, then waiting to start trying, then waiting to get (hopefully) pregnant. What a scary moment that will be.

Out of all of this, I love and treasure Ace even more, if that is possible. I kiss him more and tell him I love him even more. I love touching his little skin and cheeks and holding him and watching him just be a healthy, happy little boy. Children are a gift - they aren't a right.

Journal 37 - Never-ending

As I got into bed last night, thankful to start sleeping away my cares, I passed another huge clot. Out of bed again and more worry. I choose to believe this is the last of it and that now the bleeding should clear up. The doctor didn't expect any more clots or bleeding after Monday's visit but I'm not panicking. 24 hours without pain medicine - so there is praise in yesterday. Only little pains here and there. I'm constantly starving and eating. The thought of being back at square one is disheartening. God is just squeezing as much trust and faith out of me as he can get. I feel very squeezed - I'm envisioning that it's a hug. Jonathan just keeps asking if I'm still bleeding, which makes me feel like it's been forever. There was hilarity the other night when he asked me if I wanted my diapers put outside with Ace's. Oh the humility! Everyone heals in their own way - Jonathan heals with humor. I love him.

Journal 36 - Doctor's visit

Jonathan went with me to the OB yesterday. I was so nervous about what she would say. I just didn't want to hear that I could never have babies again. Instead, she said exactly the opposite. So far in the opposite direction that my feelings are confused again. She said that we probably just had a "blighted ovum." That's where the sperm just nicks the egg but there's no penetration. The egg thinks it's been fertilized so a sac forms and the pregnancy hormone is released. Boobs swell, naseau ensues, pregnancy test comes up positive...but there's really no baby. That explains why the ultra sound revealed a sac but no baby or heartbeat. So now what? There was never a baby in the first place. My body and heart just thought there was. So should I not be as sad because there wasn't a life lost? I guess it's supposed to make it easier. So I'll let it. She also said that the likelihood of it happening again is rare. I pray! I'm still bleeding and in some pain. According to the doctor, when I healed from Ace's c-section, some parts of the uterus attached to my scar (totally normal). So now, as my cervix contracts back to its normal size, the scar is making the contractions really sensitive. She expects the bleeding to stop soon. No exercise or you-know-what for me for two weeks after the bleeding stops. No trying to get pregnant again until after my cycle has returned to normal for about 2 months. Jonathan says he doesn't want to try again for awhile. He's scared to go through this again. My heart breaks for him. I'm not sure how to comfort him. I'm glad that he stayed home from work yesterday. He slept most of the afternoon. I just pray that God gives him the comfort that I have right now.

Journal 35 - Morning/ Mourning

I slept most of yesterday. I think that most of my pain medication is wearing off now. I'm debating whether to take more. It's a work day so I need to stay alert but there is a dull ache and sometimes sharp cramps in my stomach. I'm still bleeding. I passed most everything yesterday, I believe. It was nice to sleep and rest. When Mom brought Ace home last night, my stomach really started to hurt and I got exhausted fast. He, at least, snuggled in my lap for about 30 minutes while Mom took Jonathan to pick up his car from the ER where he left it yesterday. I am so grateful for Ace. Having had one healthy pregnancy really gives me hope. I know that I should spend some time mourning this baby and dealing with the grief. Right now, I just prefer to look forward and hope that the doctor will tell me today that I can have more children. The pain is my reminder, I guess. I made it through the first phone calls with family. Those were the toughest, I think. I know that nobody knows what to say. I don't really either. Jonathan bought a new tree for the front yard. Out of the love languages, gifts are the least meaningful to me...but that tree will always be the most treasured gift he's ever given me. If we ever move, we'll have to uproot it.

On to work and the welcome distraction it brings.

Journal 34 - Hard News

What do you title a blog posting on miscarriage? What do you say? It's my time to figure it out. I went back to the emergency room this morning. I woke up at 1:39am and after I went to the bathroom there were huge blood clots. Huge. I knew what it meant. I put on an tank top (which I realized was backwards before running out the door. thank goodness because it was a racer-back.) and ran all over the house looking for Jonathan. He wasn't anywhere to be found but his car was in the garage. I called my aunt to ask her to come over (poor Aunt Barby). I called Jonathan's cellphone and it turned out he was taking a walk in the neighborhood to clear his head and lose his worries. He raced back to the house to wait for Aunt Barby and I took off to the emergency room. It was so hard to write "miscarriage" in the "Reason For Visit" box. The whole drive there I just kept telling God, "it's ok. it's ok." It's ok if this is what God allows in our life. His will is always ok and I will accept it and love Him.

After signing in the nurse called me back and asked all the questions I had answered less than 24 hours before: no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes...just please get someone to look between my legs! They took me back to Room #9 and I waited for another needle stick. The emergency room doctor asked more questions and then pried me open. He said that my cervix was still closed (it's usually open with a miscarriage). He rated my bleeding a 3 (about 30 minutes ago I encountered level 10). I was having stomach pains but it felt like really bad gas, not labor contractions. The doc left kinda suddenly which scared me but Jonathan walked in a few minutes later and the room brightened for me.

30 minutes later it was back to ultrasound. It was the same tech as that morning. As I was leaving, I saw the screen she was working from and there was clearly a sac on the screen. There didn't look to be anything in it. The nurses wheeled us back to the room. 45 minutes later, the doctor came in and said that the ultrasound revealed no baby and no heartbeat. He further added that both should be apparent at this stage. He said that I was certainly having a miscarriage. To hear him say that he was sorry was really hard. I so badly wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be sorry because the Lord is taking good care of me but I couldn't form the words. He told us to wait for some pain medication and then left.

Jonathan and I sat there for 30 minutes, together. He was trying so hard to be encouraging. He said that he still had hope. I truly know that Jonathan is my angel in husband form. The nurse came in with some morphine, stuck me in the leg and told us to (no surprise) wait another 25-30 minutes to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction. In that time, I really relaxed and almost fell asleep. Each time I opened my eyes, Jonathan was looking at me - vigilant and loving and I know that God is watching me even closer.

Jonathan drove me home and my bed has never been so welcome. Aunt Barby had taken Ace to her house. I thanked Jonathan again for moving us to Houston.

I woke up this morning about 9:30 and asked the Lord to comfort me as I wobbled to the bathroom. Everything was as last night had been. I went back to bed until 10:30 when Jonathan came in to the bedroom with breakfast. As he took the tray, I went to call my mom and felt a huge gush. That was it. I imagine the bleeding will trail off from here.

I want to cry. I want to give in to sadness and loss and all of those feelings. But more so, I want to honor my God who daily lets me live and breathe and have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. God's wisdom is more than I can understand. I guess I know the first question I will have for him when he welcomes me home...why? In the meantime, I don't need to know why. I know that it is God's best for me.

To add, there was a girl who was 21 weeks along, spotting and having severe stomach pain while I was in the ER last night. I just kept thinking, "Thank you Lord, that you've given me this pain and not that one."

God giveth and God taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Journal 33 - 50/50

After 4 hours in the "not-so-emergency-room" I came out with a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Not very encouraging. I made Jonathan stay at home to be with Ace. Probably not the wisest choice unless I think about how impatient he would have been throughout 4 hours of waiting. I got there about 6am, waited 30 minutes to be seen and shown to a room where the nurse stuck me with an IV and took a thousand vials of blood. An hour later I got a pelvic exam. Another hour later I got an ultra sound. 45 minutes after that they took out my IV and sent me home. The nurse said that my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are through the roof (20,000+) but that the ultrasound did not reveal a clear sac, baby or heartbeat - which all are normally apparent at this point. So I am definitely pregnant but they can't see a baby or tell if it's alive. The pregnancy hormones are kind of my pinprick of hope at this point. The bleeding has slowed and turned clear. The doctor also found that my cervix is closed during the pelvic exam...a good sign. I'm supposed to follow up with my OB on Monday. I hate looking up anything related to abnormalities during pregnancy because websites always give you the worst case scenario. So it's another waiting game. I'm living in the peace of the Lord moment to moment at this point. I love you baby and pray that you are safe and sound.

Journal 32 - Feeling Scared

Well, I started bleeding yesterday. I called the doctor immediately and spoke with a nurse. She asked if the blood was clotted and it isn't so she said not to worry unless the blood was clotting or I soaked a pad. That was about 11am. I spotted off and on all day yesterday and through the night. When I went to the bathroom this morning there was a clot. It was small and I'm trying to remain calm about it. All of the miscarriage sites from Google say that there will be cramping. Right now, I just have a really sick feeling in my stomach from not knowing whether I'm miscarrying this baby. I'm subduing my desire to run to the emergency room. I will just wait a little while longer. I really want to throw up. Maybe I'll just go. Going to tell Jonathan.

Journal 31 - Really almost 2 months

My little pregnancy ticker says I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant. It feels like an eternity of secret keeping. I think I'm about two weeks shorter than that though. Not showing even in the least. Energy is fine. Appetite is good. I told Ace I have a baby in my belly but he seems uninterested. I keep wondering how I'm going to hold Ace and care for him as the baby grows and once it's here. I can't wait until I can snuggle one up under each arm in bed with Jonathan and kiss from head to head.

Journal 30 - Feeling Good

I'm feeling good this morning. Just a thing or two here and there of discomfort. My old scar from Ace's delivery was really painful and sensitive yesterday so I'm anxious to see the doctor in two weeks and ask her about that. Hopefully it goes away. This whole keeping it a secret thing is no fun. I can't figure out why I still want to keep it from everyone but I'm still not planning on telling anyone until the end of April or beginning of May. I'm sure I will tell all of the girls at Girls' Weekend. I'm a little more nervous about this pregnancy. I just feel it's more fragile than Ace. Maybe because I realize how precious is this little life whereas it didn't really feel real with Ace. I'm definitely letting Ace do more on his own in anticipation of being more tired. I'm missing our one-story house in Waco right now. Workouts haven't been fatiguing at all but I've stopped running altogether. My heart rate just gets too high, too fast and it's hard to hold the heart rate sensors constantly (I'm sure that I look silly too, running while holding on to them). So it's been the elliptical and bike for me. I've got to read up on weight training safety. I'm going to attempt to half my weight gain this time...from 50 to 25!

Journal 29 - Stories

Why does it seem that when you get pregnant, you start to hear all of the horror stories? Just this weekend, there was a couple who told their story of not hearing a heartbeat at their first ultrasound. This morning, there was a tub-drowning story in my email inbox. Ace stopped breathing during labor but I tend to share that story with mothers who have healthy babies not ones in the WOMB! Maybe I just notice the stories more, being pregnant.

So, on to some good news! I haven't been sick - only those two naseous nights before I took the pregnancy tests. I have been super tired but it may just be the daylight savings time adjustment. This morning my mind was wandering while I laid in bed and I was thinking of what it will be like once this new baby is here. The first few weeks, until my stomach heals, will be tough because I can't pick up Ace or hold him. I think I will start praying for that time now.

I keep looking sideways in the mirror, convinced that I am showing. Deep down, I know that it's just the McDonalds I ate on Friday. I hope that you are doing ok in there baby. Time to feed you. I have noticed that skipping a meal is not an option right now.

Journal 28 - 2 in 1

I know, two posts in one day??? A little much. But I need and OUTLET. This is the fourth time in my life that I've had news this big (1. salvation, 2. engagement, 3. Ace) and I've got to keep it to MYSELF. The first time, I got to concentrate all on Ace. I won't be able to do that with this one. It will be a new kind of experience. I guess baby #2 just has to come and show me that I have love and attention enough for two. I called the doctor and made my first check-up for April. I remember Ace's first ultrasound where he looked like such a tiny got. This one is even smaller! She said that I'm 5 weeks along but I don't think we got pregnant until later in February and she is dating back to January. I wonder if they'll schedule delivery early to do another c-section...oh the recovery! Back to work.

Journal 27 - Big News!

We're PREGNANT!
It's make me smile just to say it. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed already: excitement, relief, curiousity, anticipation, anxiety, self-doubt...can we do this? I guess we are. I fell in love with Jonathan all over again at his reaction to being pregnant. He's excited and encouraging when I was really worried he'd be nervous and consider it ill timing. He's such a wonderful dad and loves Ace so much. He's so funny in that he already wants to know the sex of the baby. Now I'm praying for the baby's good health and for the naseau and exhaustion to subside. I've asked Jonathan to keep this secret until late April or May, once we've hit the three-month mark. I hope we can do it.
Welcome into our hearts little one. We are excited to love you.

Journal 26 - Moment of Truth

Ok - I'm officially 4 to 5 days late. I've been naseous the past 3 mornings and I've got zero appetite. I bought a pregnancy test this morning and am planning to take it as soon as Ace wakes up. I've planned for Ace to give it to Jonathan if it's positive. I'm surprised at the timing...just when I understood and accepted God's delay over the past 5 months, here we go. I'm nervous to tell Jonathan. I know he has NO idea. I told myself months ago that I would keep a pregnancy to myself for a week to treasure the secret but I just can't keep it from Jonathan. I don't know how Mary did it...and I'm not even carrying the Savior of the World! For that matter, I haven't even taken the test. Will post whether it's positive or negative. Are you in my tummy little one?