Journal 49 - One and only time

This is the ONE and ONLY time you will ever in my life hear me excited that I am on my period!!!!! Sorry to share my monthly flow information if someone is reading this. I really expected to start last weekend...right in the middle of a weekend with friends, of course. When it never came, I was a little anxious. I just want "normal" when it comes to my body. One period started, one to go and then all that's left is for Jonathan to decide it's time. That may seem like getting my period was the easy part.

Journal 48 - I wouldn't call it "good"

So I need to clear something up on the record...I don't think that the miscarriage was a good thing.

I have said that everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord. That doesn't mean that everything that happens is good.

BUT, I believe that God can have good come out of even something this painful. I've seen things here and there that comfort me. I think, if it had to happen, I'm at least glad of this or that opportunity that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I feel like a lot of friends are going through some serious times right now and God has given me hope in their strength and perseverance. He has given me fellow strugglers. He has made me one of their fellow strugglers.

In that line of thinking...this blog has a new meaning for me. I named it "Kelly's Belly" to reflect my physical belly but I think it's turned into my spiritual "belly" - what's going on deep inside me. I may post here and there about the miscarriage from here on out but God is teaching me more than just how to deal with a miscarriage.

Really and truly, I just need an outlet since I'm at home working and mommy-ing all day. These posts are for me. So I can document my spiritual journey - imperfect and struggling as it is. I'm imperfect, worldly and sinful and I hope someday I can read these entries and see what God has done in me.

Journal 47 - Something I needed to hear

Before Friday, I had just secretly hidden a thought to myself about the miscarriage. I'm so glad I shared it with Brittany...

A few months ago, I was talking to my boss on the telephone. All of a sudden, I just had to "go." I told her I had to run but I'd call her right back. When I got back on the phone I actually said, "Sorry, I don't know what happened. All of a sudden it felt like I was having a miscarriage or something." I actually used miscarriage as a analogy for having to use the BATHROOM! Not ONLY that but I used it with my boss who had suffered several miscarriages before having her twins through fertility treatments. Really, Kelly?!

Sometimes, I lose my senses - particulary my common sense. It used to happen a lot when I was younger...like telling our landlord that my mom didn't like her curtains or telling my mom what my dad had bought her for her birthday. One time, I asked my dad if he was "sucking up to his boss" when that boss was about two steps away. It was forgiveable when I was under 10!

When I was on the phone with Brittany on Friday, I didn't really want to share that because it's really embarrassing but, because God knew I was ashamed of ever saying anything so thoughtless, I just felt the story come out before I knew it. I told her that part of me thought my miscarriage was punishment for being so flippant about miscarriage. Brittany reminded me that God isn't like that. He would never punish me by taking away my baby. He had already revealed the stupidity of my statement to me long before I miscarried.

I just needed to hear it said with the certainty and authority with which she said it.
Thanks Brit. I love you.

Journal 46 - Song

We've started singing this song at church and I wish I knew who sang it but it truly coming from my heart right now...

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all.
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours."

Abandoned and surrendered. Those words are perfect.

Journal 45 - Gee Whiz

The doctor looked inside and saw no "products" left over so I'm physically free of the miscarriage. I can return to my workout which is a big stress relief and life as "normal." No "trying" for two cycles and I told Jonathan that I would like to quit "trying" altogether. Meaning - I strongly dislike the whole idea of "trying" (I don't care if anyone else does it - it just doesn't make me happy. It makes me a stressed out mess and doesn't give Jonathan that lovin' feeling.) So we're done "trying" and we'll let God try for us.

She did say that she now thinks it wasn't a blighted ovum. The amount of blood and looking through all of the ultrasounds, she thinks that a baby formed but I miscarried. Taking some time to process that put a little fear in me. I would prefer a blighted ovum because it means that it's the egg and the sperm's fault - not really anything to do with me. I feel like it's more to do with me now and more likely to happen again (not "likely" just "more likely"). It's like the Lord was saying, "thanks for trusting in me these past two weeks, let's just keep it up until you get pregnant again and then for 9 months after that..." Ok, Lord - continuing trust. I'll try.

Journal 44 - Back to the Doc

So, I'm a little nervous this morning. I'm going back to the doctor at 2pm today. Hopefully she will tell me that everything looks great...or as great as those things look. I would love to be told that I can start exercising again as I feel like I've put on weight these past two weeks with the stress of the miscarriage in the middle of the busiest season at work. Just insult to injury! I'm hoping that cyst can just stay where it is and disappear. I'm hoping that my womb is totally healed. Jonathan and I are a little worried about this since I bled so, so much for over a week. I don't think she'll have any more answers for me as to the why of it all. It would only be a medical explanation anyway.

Journal 43 - Ready Ready

I know that coventional wisdom says that there needs to be time to heal physically and emotionally after a miscarriage. My mind knows that getting pregnant won't make up for what happened. In fact, I know that I need time to digest what's happened and learn what God has for me in this moment. So, despite all of that, I'm no-so-secretly confessing that I'm so ready to have another baby. If only my heart and mind were on the same page. My heart is ready, ready. My mind is saying, "slow down." So I'll reluctantly listen to my mind. Tonight we were introduced to a friend's baby who is only a week old. It took me right back to how happy I was to see my Acey for the first time.

Ace and I had such a wonderful day today. The only thing that was missing was our Daddy, who was stuck at work. We played for two hours at the play castle at the mall. We spent another 45 minutes on the carousel and then ate lunch at the food court and went home and both took naps. When he woke up, we went downstairs, turned on the radio and danced together for another 30 minutes. It's joy on days like today that make me want to move on to tomorrow and grow our family. I want more moments like when he tells me "monkey pooted," "Hula doooo-ing," and "cuckoo sleeping." How could I ever stop wanting things like that because of this experience?

Right now, I really just need time to lose all of the weight that I'm gaining from out of whack hormones!

Journal 42 - Miscarriage Counsel

Jonathan and I contacted a guy up at church because we wanted to talk to someone about the miscarriage who could help us process it together. We met on Wednesday and I had a big lesson learned. I discovered that my mistake was to come home from the doctor's appointment and immediately tell my mom that it was probably a false pregnancy. What I should have done was to ask Jonathan what HE wanted to tell everyone. I should have considered his feelings and what he was ready or not ready to share with friends and family. I thought this miscarriage was all about me: my body, my blood, my womb, my feelings...most people are concerned with the woman in these situations, right? So I kind of thought I would dictate the situation but we are a partnership and should share in these decisions.

Gosh, there is so much to remember in matrimony.

Journal 41 - Does it matter?

Does it matter whether it was a baby I miscarried or a false pregnancy? To me, it doesn't matter. The result is the same - I'm not pregnant and I lost something that I wanted and was so looking forward to. The sadness is the same. The recovery is the same. My God is the same. But, to Jonathan, it matters. He doesn't want me telling anyone that it was "just" a false pregnancy. I think he believes that it diminishes what happened. In my mind, they are both just as heartbreaking. Mom and Leah both said that they think a false pregnancy would be easier to accept because there was no baby. I've tried to look at it from every angle and the only thing I can see is that, from a guy's perspective, we were as pregnant as he would ever get - seeing the positive test and listening to me talk about it. So no matter what kind of pregnant we were, Jonathan was completely pregnant. For me - no kicks, no daily talks, no back pain, no doctor's appointments, no hearing a heartbeat, no any other emotional and physical link - I was less "pregnant." I don't think the life lost or potential for life lost is any less-worthy of my love and grief. The blood was the same. But it matters to Jonathan and I have to deal with that. Lord please give me wisdom and strength and thank you for the abundance you've already poured on me. I pray everyone can know your love.