Fixing Me

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. It's hard for me to type out all of my struggles at the moment. I have been going through a time where I feel like God is the best counselor for me.

I'm more unsure of myself than I've ever been in my life. I question my judgement on everything. It's a new thing for me to bring everything before the Lord before I speak or do it. Doing that gives me a lot of peace - that, if what I choose to do or say is wrong, I have, at least, put my motives before the Lord for examination. I don't think that the Lord likes my uncertainty. I think he wants me to be confident in Him.

Crying Ace. I guess this line of thought will have to wait for another day.

How do you change yourself?

So, when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, what do you do? How do you change? I have 28 good years of setting myself in my ways. I've convinced myself that the way I do everything is the right way. The way I put the dishes in the dishwasher - it's not the only way but it's the correct way. Cleaning the lint drawer every time I dry a load of clothes - it's not required but it's the right way, right? I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm sure that I would rather be happy than right.

My list of rights and wrongs is really getting in the way of my happiness. My problem is that I thrive in routine and I love doing things the same way every time. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I get paid to be that way.

God is really challenging me to change for Him. Change so that I can be everything He wants me to be and so that he can give me the things he wants for me. I want those things. I want to be the woman he wants. It's so hard to look at every part of myself and find shortcomings in the areas I felt strength before. It's hard to balance self-examination and being wary of feeling "not good enough" and like a failure. It's hard to look at who I am and have hope that I can become anything different.