Kelly's Belly

Neglected

2010-11-08T14:10:00.001-08:00

Yes, I have neglected this blog. The first three months have left very little spare time.
I wish I had more time for:

Bible study.
working on the kids' yearbooks
hot baths
budgeting
time with friends
working out
breathing

I'm a routine-lover and I just haven't been able to work these into my routine. All my time is taken up trying to get work hours in, cleaning, cooking, bathing the kids and running Ace back and forth to school. Unfortunately, I'm not one for staying up late to do any of the above items. My lights are out as soon as Lily Kate has had her last feeding - around 8:30 pm. Getting up earlier would mean somewhere around 4am...probably not going to happen.

Right now, it's time to get Ace up from his nap. My wonderful little man has adjusted fabulously to having a little sister. I'm more in love with him than ever (despite a rise in time-outs and whining).

Delivery Day Drama

2010-07-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Got a call at 6:48am from the hospital to say that they are booked! They said they'd call "in a few hours" when they knew when/ if they could get us in. Mind you, I was already whining about not being able to eat until after my originally scheduled 10:30 delivery.

At the command of my sister, I called the hospital about 10am and was told we are now on the schedule for 5pm! That means I have 4 hours from now until the hospital will even check me in. The lady I spoke with (at 10am) said I could have clear liquids until 10:30 - chicken broth, jello, water...how generous! I didn't even bother.

Yes, I'm hungry, tired, anxious and thinking to myself that Lily Kate should be here already. Wondering what God knows about this timing that I don't.

Isn't this how it happens when you feel like you've got all your chickens in a row and are prepared for something? God just reminds you that HE is in control. Going to go plan my first meal once I can be back on solids...McDonalds, Chik-Fil-A......

2 Days

2010-07-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

3 Days

2010-07-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

3 Days Until Delivery

The wheels are in motion! Today is my last day of work (actually, I have 3.75 hours left of work because Jonathan let me get a bunch of hours in this weekend). I even slept in until 6:45 this morning! After work, I plan to make one last cleaning circuit of the house. I may even take a nap when Ace does today.

Tomorrow, Mom comes into town. Hooray! I'm excited for her to go to my last doctor's appointment and meet my new doc. Ace is so excited for everyone to come, including Lily Kate. Yesterday, he told me that he would help me with her poopy diapers.

I got my hospital bag halfway together yesterday. Discovered that there are a few more things I need. Also learned that packing for girls is soooo much harder even when they are only a few days old: the matching socks and bows and headbands....what a pain. With boys its: pants, shirt and white socks, end of story. Good thing she's worth it.

Had contractions ALL night last night. Every time I woke up it was with one. I just told her she couldn't come yet because Daddy has a big meeting on Wednesday and I've got my errands for the week planned out.

4 days

2010-07-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

4 Days until Delivery

Oops - skipped day 5. It consisted of a 7:30am cleanout of the garage, vacuuming, tile scrubbing, work, church, a hot bath and a good book at the end of the day.

Feeling good today. Still thinking my water could break at any moment. Hungry like a bottomless pit and allowing myself every indulgence: donuts for breakfast & fried pickles and jalapenos for lunch. Grocery shopping yielded ice cream, peanut butter crackers, and pecans (and some diet coke for Mom while she's here).

I'm trying not to think about everything that comes after delivery: the need to lose the weight, the sleepless nights and the lack of ability to work out. Ugh.

I told Ace this morning that Mommy would have a boo-boo on her belly after Lily comes so he can't snuggle with me for a while. He patted my chest and said, "Just up here snuggling?" I guess it's good I started trying to explain it to him early.

I'm dreading being without Ace. I know he will be having a blast with his Gabby, Pops, Honey, Sashi, B and Uncles James (how spoiled am I with all of that help?!) but I just know it will feel like a part of me is missing. I think it will be physically painful.

Banner & Day 6

2010-07-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

6 Days Until Delivery

This time next week I will be holding the little bundle that is current kicking me. Got a call from the hospital yesterday to schedule my pre-op lab work for next Wednesday. I also discovered that delivery is at 10:30 am (they told me 8:30 originally but that was just the time that we have to be at the hospital). Two more hours with no food - when I'm used to having breakfast about 5:30am...YIKES.

Here's another project...

Lily Kate's birthday banner.

I have no original ideas of my own and my fantastic friend Kate just made one of these for her newborn - precious Gray. So I decided to steal her idea. She gave me tons of tips and answered all my phone calls from Hobby Lobby and WA-LA.

These babies cost $85 to $150 if you buy them online!!!! My cost was about $30 for canvas and paint.
I wish I would have used colors other than the green on green background but, by the time I decided that, I had put too many coats of paint on to go backwards. At least the flowers make it girly.

Nursery Photos!

2010-07-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

Finally photos of the finished nursery.

I pulled the flowers out of the curtains so they matched.
The door shown goes to her closet, photos to post later.

I love how her bedding turned out - an alternative to bumpers.

Everything comes off with velcro for washing!

Changing table. (Lack of storage space for my antique headboard means it's going behind the changing table but it actually looks kind of elegant in person.)

My favorite project of all! These monkeys turned out soooo cute.

I put a few tiny monkeys around her room too.

Didn't realize until now that this will probably draw her to the outlet. Better get an outlet cover!

Above her closet door.

By the lightswitch.

Now all I need is the precious baby who will live in this room!

Seven

2010-07-22T04:09:00.001-07:00

7 more days until delivery.

Although cleaning wasn't really on my list of to-dos to get ready for the baby, that's what I did after work yesterday. I must say, a clean house is a happy house around here. My only chores left are to scrub the tile downstairs and all of the bathtubs. I'm going to make Ace help me disinfect all of his toys tonight (my LEAST favorite cleaning chore).

I'm hoping while he is at Nana's today I can finish work early and get to work on those onesies I need to complete, pack my hospital bag (since I finished all of the laundry yesterday, hooray), and finish painting this darn mirror that is holding me up on posting photos of the nursery.

This time next week I will be on my way to the hospital to get hooked up for delivery. Crazy thought! I can certainly tell she is ready to come out. Her movements are so big and strong. I will miss the closeness of her in my belly but am so excited to end the naseau that a full day of kicking brings.

Eight

2010-07-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

Eight more days until delivery.

Went to the doctor yesterday and Lily Kate got a great review. She's very low, we are 1 cm dilated and my cervix is very thinned out. Could mean momentary delivery, could be waiting all the way until next Thursday - no telling.

I took a chunk out of my to-do list yesterday: bought a baby monitor, shopped for hospital clothes, purchased some presents for Ace (from Lily Kate), ordered her "birthday cake", got some nursing bras, suspended my gym membership, put another coat of paint on the nursery mirror, and a few other odds and ends.

I'm feeling so good about readiness and getting on with having her here. Just praying for a safe delivery for Lily Kate and me. I've got some nerves about everyone coming out healthy but trying to pray them away.

Nine

2010-07-20T03:38:00.000-07:00

9

9 More Days.

I got one coat of paint on the mirror for the nursery yesterday and added to my list:

Suspend gym membership until October
Schedule facial for next Tuesday

Swelled up the worst ever yesterday but got to take TWO hours to myself to go watch the Bachelorette at Hilary's - relaxation!

TEN

2010-07-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

Ten days until delivery.

TO DO LIST:
Finish 9 more onesies
Paint and hang mirror in nursery
Pack hospital bag
Purchase baby monitor
Shop for hospital-wear
Plan LK's birthday party
Pack Ace's bag for B's
Make a list to pack for Ace for San Antonio
Buy gift for Ace for hospital

Working full time until next Monday, trying to finish a zillion projects before maternity leave. Got to get the house clean. Mom coming on Tuesday afternoon. Evans arrive Wednesday. How do you spell aye-yi-yi????

Smushy Face

2010-07-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Had an ultrasound at my checkup today. This photo is really difficult to make out. She is actually looking directly at you. You can see her eye on the left and the entire picture is basically her face (according to the ultrasound tech - I had to ask because I couldn't make this out at all).

This photo is awful compared to what I got to see on the ultrasound machine. Lily Kate kept opening and closing her mouth. It was like she was talking to us. She kept her hands by her face most of the time.

We aren't dilated or effaced but the doc did remark on how LOW Lily Kate is. He said she's way lower than most babies at 36 weeks. He allayed my fears about the spinal anesthesia that they'll use during the cesarean. I'm still terrified to be awake during the whole thing but I'll be a big girl and just pray over it in the meantime.

17 days until delivery!

Scheduled!

2010-07-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the new doctor's office yesterday afternoon and scheduled Lily Kate's arrival!

July 29th at 8:30am

I am so excited. It's crazy to think she'll be here in 21 days. I have so many projects to finish. I keep getting questions if I've finished her room. ALMOST! Today may be the day or maybe this weekend (the house is a wreck). I'm cutting it close.

May the Lord give me lots of energy for the next 21 days! And may I not run out of laundry detergent.

Baby Braxton

2010-07-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

Ace on the examining table at the OB's office, waiting for the doctor to check on "Baby Braxton."

This biased mom just thinks he's the most precious kid in the entire world.

Whenever I talk about Lily Kate, Ace says he is experiencing the same symptoms with "Baby Braxton" in his belly. Braxton is the name of the baby to whom Ace gave all of his pacis. The last doctor "listened to Baby Braxton's heart" and really played into everything Ace was saying. I'm not sure what yesterday's doctor thought of our little make-believe.

HOW could you ever tell this face that he doesn't have a baby in his belly?

I'm sure there are lots of intellectual reasons why I shouldn't play along but, for right now, there's no harm in it and Ace loves to share symptoms with me and Lily Kate.

New Doctor's Visit

2010-07-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had my first appointment with my new OB. I was looking forward to a relaxing appointment with Ace at daycare...not to be. Ace had a fever Wednesday night and I had to make him a doctor's appointment yesterday too. So he tagged along and that led me to the first reason I like this new doctor - his office had a playarea for the kids! So the wait to be called was relaxing.

Overall I wasn't OVERWHELMED with enthusiasm or UNDERWHELMED being disappointed with the new doctor. The more I think about it, the more I think he really resembles Dr. Patterson, who delivered Ace in Waco - you can tell he's calm and confident (which really inspires my confidence), super smart and really anticipatory of things that could happen and concerns that will come up. He gave me a lot of confidence in his experience without sounding big-headed or probably even intending to. I appreciate a knowledgeable doctor and he was. His bedside manner is more of a doctor and less of a girlfriend - that fits with me.

I asked him about my dizziness from the other day and he said it was most certainly compression of the bloodflow to my brain when I laid on my back. So the other doctor totally over-reacted. Geez.

He agreed to keep my July 29th due date (so, if she doesn't come before then on her own) both Lily Kate and Ace will be born on the 29th! How fun.

Reason why I truly love this doctor...he didn't say anything about my weight gain! Hit the 172 mark yesterday - yikes 44 pounds gained and still 3 weeks to go. The doc predicted that Lily Kate will be on the smaller side like her big brother - around 7 pounds and change. He also predicted that she'd stay in the oven until the c-section since her big brother did as well.

We shall see!!!

FINALLY - Good news!

2010-06-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

A weight has lifted (courtesy of Lindsey at Northwest Women's Center who will never know how much stress she has lifted from my shoulders)!

I called the new doctor's office and left TWO messages this morning. I felt very annoying but, as Honey puts it, "No one is going to look out for me and Lily Kate except for me." My call was returned by 10am. They still didn't have my records but, by 11:30, not only did they have my records, they were handing them to the doctor for review. It is now 3pm and I have an APPOINTMENT scheduled for next Thursday! Yippee.

Not ONLY was all of that confirmation of moving in the right direction, I received a call from a friend in my small group who just gave birth two weeks ago. The doctor I am going to see actually DELIVERED her baby (though he was not actually her doctor, he is in the same group as her's). She had great things to say about him and the practice that he belongs to. So I got those great reviews on top of the one's Hilary had also voiced.

My heart and belly are so much less stressed out today. I am thankful for God who works out every detail, calendar and minute of my life.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changing

2010-06-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

Ooooooooooh. Hold on. Contraction.
Gosh, those are certainly frequent and taking my breath away lately. I really don't remember having these with Ace.

Well, Lily Kate better NOT come today. I am trying to switch doctors! 8 months pregnant. Who does that if they aren't moving towns? Here's my list of reasons:

I've only actually seen my doctor twice (and I've been her patient for over two years, that includes last year's miscarriage - she never saw me). I've seen the nurse practioner and physicians assistant (who are delightful, but not the doctor).
When I called after hours the other day, the answering service paged the wrong doctor and I never heard from anyone.
After a day of testing last Tuesday, no one followed up to give me the test results.
I got no contact from the doctor or her staff the entire time I was having the tests run.
When I called the office last Friday, there were no doctors or nurses available and no one offered to contact one. The receptionist tried to interpret my test results.
When I called to schedule the follow up appointment, requested by the doctor, I was told they had no space for me that day and that everything "must have been fine because your chart isn't on my desk for follow up."

I just don't feel like I can depend on her. She's not in a practice with other doctors, so if she turns up unavailable, there's no telling who will deliver Lily Kate. This hormonal mama has just had it.

I'm crossing my fingers that my records are released to a new doctor today (suggested by my sister-in-law - THANK YOU HILARY!). I've been communicating with the new doctor's OB coordinator and she seems very helpful and understanding. Been having serious blood sugar spikes in the morning (today is the first that I haven't because I cut sugar completely out of my breakfast) leaving me super sick with bad headaches which I'd really like to discuss with the doctor.

Never a dull moment.

No update

2010-06-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Called the doctor's office and the receptionist said that she wasn't given my paperwork so, apparently, the doctor wasn't too concerned with any of the test results she read and they couldn't fit me in today. I will take that as good news and let go of the kind-of aggravated feeling I have with the receptionist's attitude.

Wish I liked my doctor better but I've only got one more month of appointments. Hopefully she's soooo busy because she's sooo good, right?!

Drama Queen

2010-06-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

Lily decided to turn up the drama...or maybe it was her mama. Monday night, I got on my back to look under the kitchen sink (faucet was broken and I had researched online how to change it out and was attempting to surprise Jonathan with my handiness before he got home). When I sat up, I was a little disoriented. Ace chose that moment to need the bathroom so I ran upstairs to help him and got so dizzy that I had to lay down. I couldn't move my head without feeling REALLY naseous. Since I've never felt anything like that before and it wasn't going away I called Jonathan to come home. He brought me my iPhone and I did some research when said dizzyness is common and gave some tips. After an hour, I could at least sit up and go downstairs. Jonathan let me lay down the rest of the night.

I already had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday morning. Tues, I was still a little shaky and Ace was hyper. We went to the doctor's office and she suggested I go over to the hospital with a Labor and Delivery department for some tests. Aunt Hilary took one for the team and took Ace for me while I went to Willowbrook Methodist. Jonathan's office let him come home to take care of Ace.

Got there, gave blood, ultrasound of Lily looked perfect, ultrasound of heart appeared normal, some monitoring of my belly was normal except they hadn't given me anything to eat from 11:30 to 4pm which brought on some benign contractions. Doctor wanted 23 hour hospital observation but this hormonal mama had had enough and just wanted to go home. After some tears and sniffling, they discharged me. I felt MUCH better being back in my own bed and being around Ace and Jonathan. Family is the best medicine. Ace kept on getting in bed with me and saying, "Hi Mama. I'm doctor Ace. What's the matter?" and then he'd look in my mouth and listen to my belly.

Lily Kate was active and kicking the entire time leading me to believe I just compressed that vein by laying on my back under the kitchen sink. Don't know why the dizzyness lasted so long. Hopefully I can follow up with the doctor today.

Contractors and contractions

2010-06-14T06:05:00.001-07:00

It's amazing that this baby hasn't been delivered with all of the stress of the past month: contractors calling and cancelling every day, damaging things around the house and ever-increasing budgets. I had so many contractions last night (nothing consistent or close together so I wasn't concerned) that I was in bed at 8pm (thank you Jonathan). Putting the house back together this weekend was exhausting - rehanging blinds and curtains, shampooing the carpets, sealing the tile, ugh.

Pause...contraction.

Lily Kate has been quite the trooper and we are hoping that she'll hang in there a little longer since we have painters coming the week after next. For now, I am trying to work up the energy to finish her room: paiting, sewing and getting her clothes in the closet that's been inaccessible for over a month.

Fatigue is certainly back with a vengeance.

Hiccups

2010-06-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

Miss Lily Kate,
You have the hiccups right now and they aren't very comfortable. Do you think you could give your mommy a break? You certainly are a mover. I think your big brother felt you kick for the first time today. He's coming with Mommy next week to hear your heartbeat and see the doctor. We are really excited to meet you. Not long now. Keep growing big and healthy. Just stop with the hiccups.
Love,
Mommy

5/25 Doctor's Appointment

2010-05-26T04:00:00.001-07:00

Lily Kate checked out wonderfully this morning. She's measuring right about 28 weeks - so almost on schedule. Her heartbeat was a strong 166 beats per minute. My blood pressure was great but I've gained another 6 pounds...that brings the tally to a little over 30 so far. (Still got another 20 to gain to catch up to Ace.) I told the nurse I didn't care what the scale said, I've been so swollen these past two weeks that I'm lucky to see my ankles at all.

A trace of protein in my urine, swelling, weight gain and blood pressure just a little more than normal means that we will just watch all these things together a little closely at my next appointment. No cause for alarm because they are all normal pregnancy symptoms.

I've told people I will be shocked if this little lady doesn't come early. Just a hormonal feeling maybe but I'm just convinced she won't wait until the end of July to debut. Hopefully she will because our contracting work at the house is dragging out and I'm not quite done painting her room!

Just a little pop!

2010-05-21T04:40:00.000-07:00

7 months pregnant and my ankles are swelling bigger than my belly. I'm thrilled that what I termed "pregnancy-fat-face" (that plauged me with Ace) has held off so far.

Lily Kate is popping out just enough to warn the world she's coming. Just like her big brother, I think she prefers to lay more towards my back and rear end (more room & cushioning back there for sure). It's fun to learn her schedule by her kicks and movements. She's definitely a morning person like her mama! From 6 to 8am she gets to rockin'.

Been painting some decorative elements in her room for the past two weeks and can't wait to post them once they're finished (maybe this weekend). It's all coming together.

A few contractions to report but I think the Lord is just reminding me that life can change at any moment and right now my cup is overflowing.

Spelling

2010-05-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've had several people ask me how we are going to spell our baby girl's name:

LILY KATE

Two words

No hypen

It's intended to be a double name

She won't have a middle name

I had no idea how complicated I was making things with this name. Hopefully she won't dislike her name! Add to the mix that, half the time, Jonathan and I refer to her as just "Lily" and I'm sure we are confusing everyone.

Ace has it easy compared to this!

Charming Lily Kate

2010-05-07T09:14:00.001-07:00

I have worn this charm daily on a necklace for my Ace of Hearts. I've gotten many questions over the past 3 years, people asking me if I'm a card player or like to gamble. Funny conclusions drawn from this charm. Now it's time to charm Lily Kate. I've found three that I like.

Option 1:

$22

Option 2:

I think this is my favortie but it's $40! Kind of pricey when you consider that Ace's charm costs less than $8.

Option 3:

$30
I'm not trying to be depressing or to remind people of an awkward subject, but I really wanted a third charm (after all, Lily Kate is my third baby). I found this angel wing and really liked it.

A Note for Lily Kate

2010-05-05T06:39:00.001-07:00

Good morning Lily Kate,

Mommy just wants to write you a note. You are kicking around in my belly and moving so much, it's hard to think of anything but you this morning. There is a story on tv this morning about the bond between mommies and their babies and it's giving me warm fuzzies to think that you and I are as close as can be right now. I'm doing my best to keep you safe and warm and to keep your big brother from smushing you. Since you are 6 months along, you should be able to hear my voice. That's really wild for Mommy to think about and I'm trying to say only nice things (but you are certainly challenging me with hormones and mood swings). I imagine a lot what you must look like and pray for the little lady you will be. Right now, I'm just praying that you will be confident, not affected by people's words and opinions but sure in yourself. I picture you in your clothes and have almost finished painting your room. I hope you like it when we're finished.

Thanks for keeping me company as I work this morning. I love you very much.
Love,
Mommy

Groovy Joovy

2010-05-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hooray for sister-in-laws! Hilary found this stroller for Ace and Lily Kate on her neighborhood website. Ace can sit or stand on the red seat in the back and Lily Kate will be able to ride in her carrier and later grow to sit in the front seat.
I choose baby products based on ease-of-use and weight -- I can't use complicated gadgets and definitely don't have the strength to lift them.

Best part: Under $100. Now we are more prepared for her arrival and I can use all of that kind of help I can get.

10 lbs - WHAT?!

2010-04-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

Had a doctor's appointment this morning - the yucky glucose screening. That orange drink hasn't improved in the past three years. (But, props to the screener with the forethought to put it in a really cold refrigerator.) Got on the scale to discover I'd gained 10 pounds since my last visit! (Last visit, I hadn't gained anything!)

A little discouraged by that stat but hoping that getting back to the gym will help keep my weight down. Started back (after a 2-month gym vacation due to work) on Monday and it felt great to work out but I came hope BEYOND-tired. Did weights on Tuesday and my muscles were cramping like crazy.

My body is just doing crazy things at this point!

Viability Week is OVER!

2010-04-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Jonathan and I celebrated what I am calling "Viability Week" in Cancun. My doctor said that babies are now viable outside the womb at 24 weeks. That is also the last week she wanted me traveling.

I think that completing the week gave us the confidence to finally name our little girl. We chose "Lily Kate" (which probably comes as no surprise since we've been leaning that way from the beginning). Although, this morning, I all of a sudden started to like the sound of "Lily Reese." I'm sure we'll stick with Lily Kate though. No matter what, we've always come back to that name.

I have more calm and peace knowing that it's possible for her to come into the world now. She feels more real every day. Ace and I have been talking to her a lot lately. He'll ask her if she likes monster trucks and will sing her songs. He loves to lay on her too. He felt her kick the other night and his face was precious.

Before we left, our families showered us with a ridiculous amount of clothes for her. Putting them in her closet was such a special and sweet moment. It's like I can already picture her in them.

Colors chosen!

2010-03-31T10:04:00.001-07:00

When we moved into our current house, the previous owner had painted a monkey on Ace's wall and we just kept it there until we redecorated his room big-boy style. About two years ago, this pattern came around at Pottery Barn and I loved it just to keep the monkey theme alive.

Toro Loco was but a twinkle in Jonathan's eye at that time so I didn't purchase anything and lamented when I noticed that they weren't carrying it anymore. Lo and behold, it is all on clearance right now! Of course, they don't have all of the pillows, duvets, etc. etc. that they used to, so I just bought a few curtain panels and a few crib sheets.
I figure I can give my sewing machine a workout and create the crib skirt and curtains I want now and save the other material for when she grows into toddler-hood and beyond. Now, I'll be on the hunt for a coordinating fabric to fill in any holes left by a lack of fabric.

I'm super excited though. I can't wait to paint the room (I'm thinking chocolate brown like the monkey's head) with one dark, magenta pink wall. We'll see...

We have a name!

2010-03-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

Ace has named the baby...

TORO LOCO

Yup, "Crazy Bull." Let's hope this isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whenever you ask him what the baby's name is, this is his response. It's a monster truck (of course).

This morning, she is behaving like a crazy bull. It's gone from zero kicks to a performance of Cirque du Soleil.

No weight!

2010-03-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report there was no weight gain at this appointment! I've already packed on 8 pounds and am sure it's more than that even (since I had my first weigh-in 11 weeks into this pregnancy).

The doctor said the baby will be viable in 4 short weeks. She also mentioned that her rule is no traveling after 24 weeks...um...I just happened to mention that Jonathan planned and has already paid for a trip to Cancun smack in the middle of week 24. She did say that, should the worst occur, Cancun does have a good hospital. She's actually had a patient deliver there before!

After a LOT of mushing around and searching with the fetal doppler, we found the baby's heartbeat. It did nothing for my nerves. Afterward, my tummy was in soooo much pain. Apparently the baby didn't appreciate being manhandled so much. Me either. Glad I don't have another checkup for a month - but that one is the blood glucose test (fasting does not exactly agree with my current snacking schedule).

Love you Baby Girl. Hope you are nice and comfy in my belly.

Baby "TBD"

2010-03-14T11:58:00.001-07:00

We are affectionately referring to her as "TBD" since we haven't picked a name. Here's her latest photo shoot:

Profile

Perfect little hand. You can even count 5 fingers!
She's a she! And look at that amazing spine to the right.

Amazing photo of her toes. Can you believe this?

Face is to the right and belly is to the left.

I just think these photos are so spectacular. Such a pefect little package, consuming so much love (and hopefully plenty of nutrients).

The tech did such a great job of showing us all the parts of her anatomy. We saw all four chambers of TBD's little heart and both sides of her brain. We saw her kidneys, stomach, spine, femur and the tech took the time to point out everything. It was such a sweet, special time. I hope this memory never fades.

Where are you?

2010-03-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Where is this baby?

I've been wanting to post some belly pictures but there is just NOTHING to show. This baby is 8oz but I've gained 20 pounds. What the hey?!

Finding out

2010-03-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Before the news...

After the news!
Our faces should read more shock than they show. We were totally floored when the ultrasound tech told us Baby Evans is a girl. She even gave us TWO photos showing the gender. We weren't doing a lot of talking after finding out the baby is a girl. We did more laughing and shaking our heads.

It's a boy...nope...it's a GIRL!

2010-03-14T11:36:00.001-07:00

I got busy and failed to post the photo-results of my Intelligender test (took 2/24/2010).

Plainly, you can see that it indicated a boy.

Two weeks makes quite a difference. Without a doubt, Baby Evans is a girl.

Baby Evans will be a........

2010-03-10T04:32:00.000-08:00

GIRL!!!

Sorry I don't have time to post this properly. I am totally swamped at work (hence the lack of posts on our family website and --possibly-- your unreturned e-mails). Corporate tax deadline is Monday and the biggest project of my life is due to my boss in two days. I needed this fantastic news to draw me out of my computer and back into life a little.

Will post how we feel about this when we get over the shock of it.

Gender Ultrasound

2010-03-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

Tuesday at 12:30 we are finding out the sex of the baby.

I think I had forgotten to post the exact time and date.
I'm beyond excited (and I wouldn't be completely truthful if I didn't say I'm a little scared). Knowing how completely precious and precarious and unborn life is, I'm a little nervous about learning the sex, choosing a name and decorating the nursery...all the things that draw me closer to this little life.

But, Satan, you cannot steal my joy or the blessing I know this baby is and will me. So just go away and stop bothering me.

Gender/ Name Debate

2010-03-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

Once you get pregnant, you get the same two questions:
1. Do you want a boy or a girl?
2. Do you have names picked out?

Here are our answers:

Jonathan SAYS he wants a boy. Ace says he wants a brother. I really love the idea of either. I want a brother for Ace to pal around with but I also want a girl since we have a boy. I want a boy so I can use all of Ace's old clothes but I want a girl to buy all of the adorable ones I've drooled over, over the years. Aunt Hilary wants a boy. Aunt LeLe wants a girl. Honey wants a boy because she hopes that means we'll have another in hopes of a girl. I think Pops wants a girl. And I'm not sure of anyone else's opinions.

Boy Names:
This is our big debate.
Jonathan wants James John Evans the fourth.
Kelly wants Gilliam Walker Evans.
**Since we are disagreeing here, we agreed to choose another name. My latest suggestion is McCowan ____ Evans. (We could call him "Mac.") McCowan is my Meme's maiden name and we learned we were pregnant on the day she passed.

Girl Names:
Jonathan has had no suggestions here.
Kelly's ideas:
Lily Kate
Mabry
Poppy Adeleas

Lily Kate has always been my favorite though.

Please don't pick apart these names and give me reasons why they won't work. I always hate that.

So there you go.

A few updates

2010-02-22T03:14:00.000-08:00

Off to the doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping we'll schedule the gender ultrasound. I've got my fingers crossed. My pregnancy calendar told me that the gender became identifiable last Wednesday. What's with all of the votes for a girl, by the way?

Tonight I get to take the Intelligender test with Mom and Jonathan. I'm super excited. Hopefully it hasn't expired since I've had it about a month. The box is still sealed to prove that I haven't been into it.

I've been sitting still a lot and trying to feel the baby move since everything I've read says mommies typically start feeling kicks and movement as early as 16 weeks. The funny thing is that, after having Ace, my stomach has done a lot of things over the past three years that remind me of what Ace's kicks felt like. So I chalk everything I'm feeling up to...well, the goings on in my stomach.

I was able to catch the heartbeat on the baby monitor again. That was a relief after being unsuccessful the other day.

K - on to the work day.

Prayer for my babies

2010-02-06T06:19:00.001-08:00

This pregnancy I have been more hormonal than ever which manifests itself mostly in crying at everything. Thankfully, they have been happy tears 99% of the time. I've cried watching Tinkerbell, listening to Ace sing, listening to this baby's heartbeat...you name it. Two songs get me every time: Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood and The Words I Would Say by the Sidewalk Prophets.

With Temporary Home it's that last verse when the old man is passing and is telling his family members that he's not afraid, this was his temporary home. Ace sang it yesterday - I knew he liked it when I sang it but I didn't know he knew all the words by heart! When his precious little voice sang, "I'm not afraid because I know, this is my tempo-ry home" I just lost it. I pray, I pray he will live those words someday.

The entire chorus of the Sidewalk Prophets song put that lump in my throat like I didn't want to cry but the tears were coming anyway. This is my prayer for my babies:

Be strong in the Lord

and never give up hope

You're going to do great things

I already know.

God's got his hand on you

So don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget

But don't forget why you're here,

Take your time and pray

These are the words I would say.

Avoided the water-works while typing but got the lump in my throat. Going to go wake Ace up and cuddle him and try to teach him the words to that song.

Want to hear a miracle?

2010-02-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

I got my fetal heart monitor from Stork Radio the other day (a rental) and immediately tried to find the heartbeat. I couldn't find it the first time and, of course, got upset. I gave it another try right before bedtime and my little peanut has one strong heart.

Sorry for the dark video! Next time, I'll turn the lights up. I guess I was trying to relax myself.

Kelly tells... Sashi

2010-02-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

Acey had gone to school when I found time to call Sashi. Why do dads always have an inappropriate comment for everything?

Yikes, messy office.

Ace tells...Aunt Hilary

2010-02-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Another apology for not making sure our video subject was camera ready. We were just having a Sunday afternoon at the park and, in all fairness, I was very scary-looking and just stayed behind the camera.

Having lots of trouble uploading the video where we told Gabby and Pops. Still trying.

Ace tells...Honey

2010-02-02T08:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, a little more success with downloading these. Here is Ace telling Honey last Tuesday before he went off to school. We were supposed to webcam with Honey AND Sashi the night before but Sashi thought Honey was sleeping so we missed the opportunity to tell them together. I don't think Honey cared much.

(Sorry for putting you on the blog without your makeup Mom. Hopefully being pregnant gets me a little forgiveness.)

How Ace told...Daddy

2010-02-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've had endless troubles getting these videos uploaded so here is my only success so far. This is when Ace told his Daddy.

A Little Lime

2010-01-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

This is the size of Baby #2 today.

Funny that this is Jonathan's favorite fruit.

He puts lime in his coke, in his guacamole, in our tortilla soup.

He will tell you everything tastes better with lime.

Apparently he's taken it too far!

Navigating Old Posts

2010-01-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have been posting to this blog for months now without actually publishing the posts. I wanted to document the journey and my feelings but I didn't want to share until the first trimester was over and we'd told our parents. So, if you want to distinguish the previously-unpublished posts from the ones you've seen before, look for the dark-green font. I tried to make them easy to identify. There are a bunch of them.

Happy reading of my diary for the past couple of months. I hope you see God's faithfulness and my complete and total weakness and reliance on him. I don't know that my sanity would be intact without my Savior these past months.

It's Killing Me!

2010-01-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

It's killing me, keeping this a secret now that we've decided to tell everyone! Why can't Jonathan be home tonight?!

I've already drafted a funny e-mail message to tell all of my co-workers. It says that we are "expanding" the Houston Office and I'm getting a full-time co-worker in late July or early August.

I've started the second trimester. Yippee.

I've got the ultrasound photos on my desk and keep glancing through them with a silly smile on my face. I'm just sooo in love. I wish I was Katie Holmes and my husband had purchased a personal ultrasound machine for me (but I don't want to be married to Tom Cruise...doubt he'd go for me either).

I actually ordered a fetal heart monitor this morning. I'm just renting it for two months. I just got the email notification that it shipped so now more waiting for it to come.

My impatience MOUNTS!

The Best 5 Minutes

2010-01-26T11:19:00.001-08:00

Here are photos of the best 5 minutes of my life in 2010 so far...

Here's a profile shot of baby #2.

Here's a closeup. What's really cool is that you can clearly see the umbilical cord and how it goes to the belly button.

Picture 3 is from when they took the baby's heartbeat. You can see at the bottom that it registered 146 bpm. Last week, it was 157 bpm.

This photo is the whole enchilada. The ultrasound tech thought that this picture upside-down was perfect.

Last photo shows an arm. She said that Baby #2 has five fingers. I had to smile at that because it echoed my prayers: five fingers, five toes (on each) and a whole heart with perfect little organs.

We must have had this ultrasound late. I was expecting a peanut (like with Ace) but this little one is much more developed.

I can't believe it only took 5 minutes. I could have stayed there watching this baby for hours. It was dancing, kicking, hiccupping, squirming, waving and all the rest. Lord help me when I start feeling this movement!

Trying to be patient

2010-01-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

My excitement is getting the better of me.

I'm impatient for my appointment at noon (1 1/2 hours away) to get the ultrasound. And HOW will I be able to WORK after that?

I wanted to wait to get the photo to tell my parents and now I have to wait ANOTHER day because Jonathan won't be home tonight.

Jonathan wanted to go ahead and tell his parents last night but they didn't answer their phone.

This morning I asked Ace if he wanted me to bring him a picture of our baby and he got SOOO excited. I can't wait to see his reaction to the photo tonight.

Patience produces perserverance which leads to character......ah.......don't have much character right now.

One more day...

2010-01-25T08:11:00.001-08:00

I'm itching with excitement. Only one more day until we FINALLY tell our families. I'll go in for my ultrasound tomorrow at noon and comes home with photos of the little peanut. I want to get past this last big step before the reveal. I've made up my mind to let Ace tell everyone, since he started by telling Jonathan. We are practing the phrase, "I'm going to be a big brother."

Can I just skip over the next 24 hours?

I thought I was showing last night but this morning whatever I saw was gone. Must have been the tortilla soup. I was so tired last night that I dozed off in bed with Ace watching monster trucks (let me emphasize how difficult that is: he screams every time a new truck comes on and constantly talks and jumps). Fatigue continues to be my biggest symptom.

Tomorrow, I can complain freely to everyone!

Not the only one!

2010-01-24T05:38:00.001-08:00

So, I am not the only one having crazy dreams. Turns out, Ruthie is too.

Ruthie and I are less than two weeks apart in our due dates. And Emily is right in there with us. there are going to be a lot of August babies this year. Turns out, Ruthie is having crazy dreams just like me. Got to talk to Em and find out if she is too. Maybe we're all having the same gender.

I'm really excited to be so close in due date with these girls. It's fun when you are the only pregnant one, but it's way more fun to have someone who has their appointments on the same weeks that you do.

Talking to Ruthie yesterday convinced me (and then Jonathan) to go ahead and tell our parents. Mom and Dad are at an event tonight and Jonathan's parents are in Mississippi so we are going to wait just a little longer (until Tuesday probably when we have a photo) and then break the big news. It's a relief to know we don't have to keep the secret another month.

AND I can publish all of these posts I've been hiding!!!!

Intelligender

2010-01-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

So, I just looked on my friend's blog and she took an Intelligender test to tell her the sex of her baby. Considering the Draino episode from my last pregnancy, I ordered one!!!!!

Last time...I had heard that peeing in Draino would tell you the gender. Instead of getting a urine sample and then combining the cup of Draino with the cup of urine, I actually peed directly into the Draino and it exploded. Not my proudest moment. I believe pregnancy was clouding my judgement at the time. Very thankful that Ace has no special needs as a result of my idiocy.

So, I figured this was a better alternative!!!! It should be here sometime next week.

Working out

2010-01-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I was sooooo looking forward to getting back to the gym, after all I haven't been since finding out we were pregnant back in November. I just didn't want to chance jiggling anything loose for lack of a better way to explain it. When I talked to the nurse practioner on Tuesday she said 'run, lift weights, bike, do whatever, just don't get your heart rate above 140 and don't get it up longer than 30 minutes.' So I went to the gym on Tuesday afternoon and hopped on the treadmill, did my walking warmup and set the pace to an easy 5.5....for 3 minutes!!!! My heart rate was up to 152 in no time and I couldn't even carry on a conversation.

SO disappointed.

Yesterday was a little better. I started off with just simple lunges and squats. I felt a little wobbly but I'm chalking that up to not doing them for three months. So I think I can return to the gym but goodbye running until November at the earliest (August + two months of recovery).

I am thankful that I didn't have any pains during or after to worry me. Maybe this way I can avoid the 50 pounds I gained with Ace.

Why keep waiting?

2010-01-21T03:29:00.000-08:00

I'm having secrecy guilt this morning. If I'm truly 11 weeks right now and don't tell our families to the last week in February, I will be 16 weeks when they finally discover (if they haven't already) that we're almost halfway through this pregnancy! It will be the fastest pregnancy ever for them. Plus, they will only have to wait less than a month to find out what gender it is.

I'm torn.

Not telling everyone just made March so much easier for our families. I know that leaving the first trimester leaves a lot of risk behind. I know I should have more faith than this. Jonathan's been great about not pressuring me to tell anyone.

I just don't want them to feel hurt. But I think they'll understand.

More than that, I think they'll be shocked to know that we've kept a secret for four months. Anyone that knows us knows that Jonathan and I can't keep secrets to save our lives (if they are our own, that is).

Have to get it out

2010-01-19T11:18:00.001-08:00

Second post in one day.

It's SOOOOO hard to sit here and concentrate on anything other than the sound of my precious miracle's heartbeat. WHY didn't I record it on my cellphone or take my camera to record the moment? (I'm telling myself that they wouldn't have let me do it anyways because of liability reasons.) I heard my strong heartbeat and then, it was like, a quick, tiny, "whoosh, whoosh, whoosh" and I just knew that there was another tiny life in my world. And I'm in love all over again. It's the kind of love I have for Ace...there's no unhappiness or sadness in it. Just a sunny, joyful love. And how much greater is God's love?

I just have to funnel my feelings somewhere and my computer is at my fingertips. So I'm funneling: excitement, relief, impatience, anxiety, joy, love and more relief. I'm praying for ten (if not twenty) perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, a heart without any holes, strong lungs, a full set of organs and a healthy baby with a spirit fashioned by God. It's a miracle I got all of those with Ace.

Being a mommy is the best thing in the world. Can't believe I'm lucky enough to get to do it again.

Tears of Relief

2010-01-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

Though I had hoped to SEE the baby this morning, I HEARD a miracle instead...the heartbeat.

Last night, I had a very vivid dream of miscarrying in the doctor's office while waiting for my appointment. I woke up and just cried and cried tears of relief. When we heard the heartbeat, there were lots more tears of relief. There were a few tense minutes as the nurse searched around for the heartbeat and kept only finding mine. But she found it. A strong 155 beats per minute. It is the sweetest sound next to Ace's voice.

And I cannot describe Jonathan's face after hearing it. I think he was relieved and happy and excited and I think he'd been feeling some nerves as well. It just looked like he was lighter and happier. Or maybe he was glad he didn't have to sit in the doctor's office anymore (but I think it was the former)!

Baby, your little heartbeat has given me such happiness and stronger belief in the goodness of God. See you next week when Mommy goes to get your picture taken for the first time.

Ultrasound scheduled for 12noon on Tuesday.

Tomorrow's Big Appointment

2010-01-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

I am anticipating tomorrow's appointment. I wish today would hurry up. I am waiting for the wash of relief I think I will feel when I see a little body in a womb on the screen and hear a heartbeat. Something is certainly sending me to the bathroom every hour during the night and sapping my energy.

I've had a lot of abdominal pain this past weekend which is increasing my stress level. I keep telling myself it's just a growing womb and hope the doctor will concur. Yesterday at Walmart I was almost in tears although the pain wasn't that bad. I'm just tired of being frightened and nervous. It really drains me.

I can't wait to hold that little black and white photo in my hands and pray over it and nickname it. I don't think I'll sleep much tonight. I'm about to start my list of questions for the doctor...

1. Can I work out? Should I be more careful having had a miscarriage?

2. Can I have a sip of wine at Girls' Weekend?

3. Can I keep taking my baths?

4. Is my c-section scar going to make my womb thin or susceptible to tearing/ endanger the baby?

5. Can they put me to sleep again for this c-section?

6. Advice on caffeine?

7. Craving goat cheese...

8. What is my due date?

And on and on and on. Gosh, did I learn nothing with my first pregnancy???

9 months from mid-November is...mid-August. Great...I avoid swimsuit season entirely.

Praying for peace and cessation of worries.

Opinions

2010-01-08T06:51:00.001-08:00

So here's my struggle this week: Really believe that God's opinion of me is the only one that matters.

I think that I need to be AWARE of others' opinions because I don't want to lead anyone away from Christ (like if someone's opinion is that I'm a hypocrite) or unknowingly set a bad example (another's opinion is sometimes the only thing that can tell me my actions are off). My problem is, in being aware of another's opinion, it's really hard not to take their opinion of me and my actions personally.

I am not the sum of others' opinions. I am a creation of God.

I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and, Lord knows, everyone has one these days. I think people right now care more about having their opinion heard than the feelings of others. Maybe it's just my experience of the week that prompts that feeling.

My experiment: I'm going to try and only share my opinion when it's asked for (on non-trivial subjects, I will certainly share my opinions on trivial things...reality tv!). The exception will certainly be this blog.

Dreams

2010-01-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have a faith-building reason for bad dreams? I know that great believers had prophetic dreams in the Old Testament and will again in the end times...but what about a reason for dreams right now that (hopefully) aren't prophetic?

In the past two weeks, in my dreams, I've been kidnapped, stabbed, in two airplane crashes, drowned, attacked, Jonathan has died and Ace has gone underwater enough to terrify me. Last night alone, in two different dreams I went down in a burning plane and one that crashed into the water. I've woken up shaking, crying and even trying to shout...which came out more of a moan and woke Jonathan up. Fortunately, he's willing to hold my hand so I can calm down and go back to sleep.

I've been praying against dreams and that I can get back to sleep once I've woken up. Any suggestions? This is really getting out of hand. I know faith is made perfect when we have no fear...my dreams have been making me live out every fear and they are still there. Just wanting some good sleep.

Appointment Scheduled

2010-01-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

I did it.

I've really been putting off making that first OB appointment. Last time, it was really hard to cancel the appointment. That should be on the list of husband responsibilities in the even of something happenning to a baby. This morning, I called and called and called. They were supposed to start answering the phone at 8:30 and the answering service answered until a little after 9am. Just to put a little pressure on my faith I guess.

So we are set to go on January 19th, two weeks from now. Deep breath. What's a little more waiting, right? We made it through the holidays, we can do it. I'm excited that Jonathan is making time to go with me.

Just trying...

2009-12-16T05:47:00.000-08:00

...not to puike this morning.

Morning sickness is for the dogs.

Unexpected answers to prayers I didn't pray

2009-12-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

It's said so many times..truths are funny like that...God is amazing. He answered a prayer for me today that I didn't even think to pray.
On one hand, I'm like, "Oh, why didn't I pray for that? Why didn't I entrust that to you?"
On the other hand, I'm like, "That's silly to beat myself up for not praying for something."
Finally, I just decide praise and thanks is the only thing I need to feel or think.

I never concentrate or think too much about the pressure of working. Why dwell on something that could develope into stress? But God provided a relief to my pressure in the form of a promotion for Jonathan.

God truly does delight in giving us blessings.
If I see Ace needs something, I will get it before he needs it. The sweetest sound is is OVER-enthusiastic and dramatic, "Thaaaaaaanks Mom." I just love it.

So, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaanks Lord." I know you delight in me even more than I delight in Ace. That thought is overwhelming and so undeserved. I just give you all of me in return.

Symptoms Update

2009-12-14T04:39:00.000-08:00

As I munch away on saltines with my gingerale nearby, I am aware that this pregnancy is WAY different than last time. I am constantly nauseous, waking up every two hours at night to pee, diarrhea during the day...Jonathan says I complain but I say, "With GOOD cause!" Maybe this is the Lord's way of convincing me that this should be our final baby.

Just ran out of saltines, going to get more.

Baby, I love you dearly. But please stop making your mama sick. I'm ready to feel you kick and see you grow my belly. The babies were dedicated on Sunday and I prayed for you and cried with joy at the thought of doing that with you. Even without the church ceremony, I commit to teaching you how much Jesus loves you. I hope you can hear me and your big brother singing praise songs throughout the day. I hope you like them as much as he does.

Definitely Morning Sickness

2009-12-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Since I didn't have this with Ace, it's taken me a little while to diagnose myself. Morning sickness is definitely settling in. I've felt horrible since last Thursday: just an "off" feeling that lasts the entire day. Right now I'm downing saltines like they are chocolate. My grocery list includes gingerale, more saltines and chicken noodle soup.

Ugh. I don't like this feeling. It makes it hard to get out of bed or find a comfortable position to sleep in. BUT...this is what I've prayed for for months and months. So, time to find the joy in it!

Pains

2009-12-09T05:23:00.000-08:00

Last night was nerve-wracking. I had a lot of stomach cramping and sharp pains. I'm hoping it was just growing pains. I dreamt last night that I miscarried. I woke up so relieved and just worn out. I could see the concern in Jonathan's face when I went to bed early.

Lord, I completely trust you. I pray against anxiousness, fear and bad dreams. Please protect this baby. Please form its little body and make my womb safe so it can grow. Place your power and protection on every place we are joined. Help me to capture my fears for you. Thank you for your control and my powerlessness. Amen.

Still Hungry!

2009-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

This pregnancy is just like when I was pregnant with Ace only everything is magnified. I'm soooo hungry I am embarrassed at how much I'm eating. I just finished a Chik-Fil-A combo meal and feel like I could eat another one! Last night, my abs were spasming and felt JUST like a baby kicking. I thought, maybe I'm way further along...nope, just a reaction to my HUGE Stouffers dinner. Already feel a belly forming though I remember the fact that I never even showed with Ace until I was almost 7 months along.

Jonathan says I'm also complaining a lot more. Mostly, I'm complaining of fatigue, aches and pains. I've had a lot of tummy pains that are contributing to my nervousness. I'm waiting until the end of next week to call and make my first doctor's appointment. I just want to make it past this one month mark.

1 month

2009-12-07T05:38:00.000-08:00

I'm just dreading this week. DREAD. That shows how small my faith is.

I think I got pregnant on February 14th, 2009. I miscarried on March 24th, about a month later. I think I got pregnant November 15th this time around. So I'm coming up on one month and I'm anxious every time I go to the bathroom.

There are a lot of differences between my symptoms right now and at the same point in my last pregnancy. My breasts feel much more sore, like I can feel my milk ducts ramping up for service. My c-section scar isn't nearly as sore as I remember it being last time. I'm way more fatigued. I don't know what all of this means but I'm noticing every difference, hoping that it makes a difference.

This morning, I asked Jonathan to pray especially hard this week since it is about the same point in my pregnancy as last time. I melted when he said that he had already been praying about it. The unexpected wonders of a husband.

I just keep hearing God say, "Trust me." He is also reminding me that he knits every part of our babies in our womb. He has power over all life and has completely conquered death. Neither are under my control and neither are for my worry. Just trust.

My constant prayer is, "Lord, strengthen my womb. Help it to deliver all of the nutrients to this baby. Allow me to carry this baby to term and deliver a healthy, precious baby. I know that you are faithful."

Tummy & Heart aches

2009-12-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

I've known for a week and a half that I am pregnant. I took the test Saturday, November 21st. It salved the hurt of losing Meme. I told Jonathan last night. I have been sooo fatigued over the past two weeks - between pregnancy and potty training, I'm an exhausted mess. Every little stomach twinge, I'm anxious. Every stomach pain or cramp...and every time I got to the bathroom, I'm looking for signs for miscarriage. It's a really stressful time.

So I'm training my brain. Every time I feel scared about this pregnancy, I say to myself, "Dear Lord, please strengthen my womb and let me carry to term a healthy baby. I know you are faithful."

I'm mad at myself every time I get scared. I feel like it's a lack of faith in God, to be scared that I may miscarry again.

Thank you Lord, for giving me chance after chance to strengthen my faith in you over the next nine months. You are faithful. You are my help and my confidence.

Expectations

2009-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

Something has finally clicked with me. Two years ago, Jonathan and I were in a community group that did a study called "I Marriage." The preacher talked about all of the expectations that you bring into a marriage and how they hamper your happiness. My thought at that time was, "I didn't have any false expectations when I got married because Jonathan and I dated four years before getting hitched. I knew what I was getting into."

I was SO wrong.

So here's my latest experiment with expectations. Every time I get upset about something, I translate it into terms of expectation and then evaluate whether those expectations are fair...

Jonathan didn't make the bed this morning.
I'm a little put out.
Translation: I'm a little miffed because I EXPECTED _____. Fill in the blank. In this case, I expected him to make the bed.
Is that reasonable??? Nope. I was IN the bed when he left for work!!!!!

Another example, let's turn the tables.
Jonathan's mad at me because I poured out his iced tea.
He EXPECTED me to leave it on the counter for him to drink later.
Is that reasonable? Well, that's for him to decide. It he considers the fact that he leaves his tea out every night and I was cleaning the kitchen, he probably won't be mad.
Or maybe he EXPECTED me to ask him if he was finished before throwing it out.
That's reasonable and a point to build on. I probably should have.

It's a really enlightening way to get to the bottom of why I'm mad or upset about something. It's really frightening how much I expect from people, unreasonably so.

Perspective

2009-11-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

I find myself aggravated a lot over the littlest things: shoes in my way, dirty clothes on my side of the closet, a food spill left on the table. Satan tells me that these are signs I'm not loved; that Ace and Jonathan don't care about me and just leave things out and about for me to clean up. Satan tells me that I'm being taken advantage of.

Christ tells me that these are ways I can love my family, by picking up the items that tell me I have two loveable men in my house that are imperfect like he made them. Christ says I am a gift to them and their caretaker. If those little things were gone, it would mean the two people I love most in the world are gone.

Why can't I think more like Christ?
Trying to train my brain on a Thursday morning.

What's wrong with ME?!

2009-11-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping confession (even just to my computer and the few readers that know about this blog) will get rid of these thoughts that are just beating me up lately. You know how Paul lamented that he did things he didn't want to do. That's me and my thought life. First it was the loving love (previous post). Now it's the crazy longing for high school...I know, I've LOST my mind. Maybe it's just because my ten year reunion was in October. One of the reasons I didn't go was because I have been having these absurd feelings like I wish I was back in high school and I didn't want to feed them. I feel so silly even talking about it but one thing I've learned this year (thank you Brittany and Kate for teaching me) is that talking about silly things that you fear takes the power away from them. I fear most that this is such a sign of immaturity in me. I fear it's a foothold for Satan. I wish I could squeeze these feelings out and put them down my kitchen disposal and grind them up. They are FOOLISH and I fear that makes me a fool. Does my hatred of these thoughts count for anything?

Lord, please take each thought captive. Let this confession loose their hold on me. I want contentment in my present circumstances more than anything.

Is the truth hard or am I soft?

2009-10-08T04:51:00.001-07:00

This blog is where I say things that are too difficult to say in person but so therapeutic to release.

My Meme is wonderful. She is lively and uncensored. She tells inappropriate jokes, always dresses for a party, plays cards like a shark and ALWAYS has at least ten presents for everyone when she visits.

Right now, Meme is sick. She wants to be released from her pain and sickness so she's not eating. I don't understand this. My mom has tried to explain it but Christ keeps telling me that it's wrong. HE decides our time to go, not us. What if there is still a project left for her that she'll never get to do because she wants to check out? What if there's something left for her to teach me or Ace? Why can't I call her and tell her that Jesus loves her and that she has victory even in her sickness? I think it's most difficult for me because she's never talked to me about the Lord.

So here is my moment of faith. Why should I expect any of my family members to find my faith legitimate if I don't share it with them? If I REALLY believe no one goes to the Father except through Christ, then why am I not dialing their numbers every minute trying to convince them of Christ? I guess one answer is that I don't want to alienate them. Another is that I am so far from perfect that I don't want them to see me as a hypocrit and be turned off of Christianity (when, truth is, I struggle just like they do and berate myself more for my failings than they ever could). God respects their choices and loves them and so must I.

I don't believe church makes you "good" and I don't consider Christ to be a condiment on my life's sandwich - another thing to make it taste better. He is the CENTER of my life and invited into every thought and action. (I said "invited"...wish I could say "commander"...ahhhh, falling so short.) Anyway....

I love you Meme and I have prayed for you every single night for years I can't count. If you don't believe in Christ, I am not angry with God for not convincing you because he gave you free will. God is unwilling that any should perish. No matter what you believe, and how I WISH you would have told me, I love you in every way I know how. The other night, after we said his nighttime prayers, Ace said, "Dear Lord." and I said, "Save Meme." Ace said, "Save Brookelyn." and we went back and forth over all our family members. I guess God has given me a prayer partner.

Just a girl and Just a boy

2009-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

My guiltiest pleasure is a good romance story. Especially in my fantasy novels where they have supernatural ways of displaying their love. Hilary and I went to see "Love Happens" on Friday and the kiss at the end gave me the BEST warm fuzzies and I left the theater thinking, "Why can't real life be like that?" Well, if the movie went on past two hours, maybe it would show them sleep deprived, arguing over bills and/ or without perfect makeup and dialogue. I just LOVE love. I love the excitement, the infatuation, the giddiness...as a Christian, I know that those aren't true love. So why have I been so focused on them lately? Why do I dream about being swept off my feet and pray for those giddy feelings to return ('cause they've sure been hiding after almost 6 years of marriage, a two year old and a miscarriage)?

My pastor hit me over the head REALLY early on Sunday morning (went to the 8:30 service). He said that after 7 years his marriage was about to blow because of unmet expectations until he realized that his wife was just a girl (not the fulfiller of his dreams) and his wife realized that he was just a boy (wanting to fulfill her dreams but only doing the best he can). My problem is that I'm in love with my expectations. I love stomach butterflies and a gentle brush of a kiss on the cheek (does Jonathan even LOOK like a gentle-brusher...nope, and if he tried I'd probably scratch at it!). I'm holding on to my not-love. Love is Christ: selfless, humble, suffering...they didn't do any of that in my movie. My pastor was saying that we would be a lot happier in life if we put our expectations in line with what the Bible says..."In this life, you will have trouble...but take heart, for I have overcome the world."

So goodbye expectations of glass slippers and true love's kiss. I won't miss you because I am the bride of Christ. My real love has morning breath and my slippers smell like dirty feet. I change the most wonderful poopy diapers and rarely make it through the day without some sort of stain on my clothes. I am married to just a boy and I am just a girl but we have Christ.

I feel the weight lifting already.

I caved

2009-09-29T05:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a low, low day. After making my last entry, I ran to CVS for a pregnancy test. I know, I know, I know. It was negative. I completely lost control of myself. I needed that cry. I'm sure that it was completely hormonal. Here's the real curse of Adam's bite of apple:

I know that I should joy in my healthy two-year-old instead of wallowing in self-pity.

I know I shouldn't torture myself with the broken "am I pregnant" record that plays in my head each month.

I know I should rest in the peace and trust of my loving God who is in complete control.

I know I shouldn't obsess.

I know I shouldn't cry over God's planning of my future.

But I do these things. All of them. And I hate myself for them. I shared my struggle with Jonathan and immediately regretted it. Guys don't get hormones. Lord, once again, it's only you I can come before. Why can't I learn that lesson?

Prayer: God, I give control to you again. I give my desire for another child to you again. I give my anxiousness and self-loathing to you again. I am without words for your grace and love again.

I Googled

2009-09-28T07:19:00.001-07:00

Why did I Google "pregnancy symptoms"? Whenever you Google any sort of condition, illness or anything of the sort you ALWAYS have it, right? It actually said that some women experience a random bleed when the embryo implants into the uterus. NOW my hopes are way up. My head has hurt last night and today so OF COURSE when the symptoms include headaches I'm like, "I have those." My boobs have been smushed in a sports bra which could've caused the breast tenderness. I never look at my nipples so how would I know if they've darkened??? Oh, why do I do this to myself. This is self-torture.

More waiting.

Why do I do this to myself?

2009-09-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

Maybe God made me a girl to develop patience in me. I'm 2 days away from starting my cycle and just wondering if I'm pregnant. If I have to wonder this much, the answer is probably "no" right? I alternate between: "I really want to be pregnant" and "how am I going to balance TWO babies and work." It's desire/ fear/ desire/ fear...usually ending up with, "there's nothing I can do about either one, now back to whatever it was I was doing." I need about a week's vacation. I can't concentrate on much.

Ace kicked me hard in the stomach last night and it made me worry. I really need something else to focus on. Motherhood right now is so sweet...despite the kicks in the gut.

New Journey

2009-09-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted or even composed a post in a while. I was all ready to make this a forum to document my spiritual journey and then God said, "You want a journey? Here's some oceans to swim, there's some quicksand to tread and here's Mt. Kilmanjaro, let's hike." I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to share all of those pieces of my past few months, or rather, I don't want the opinions and gossip.

Better to start here, right now. God put me on his back to carry me out of the past few months and now for the future. Jonathan just told me last week that he is ready for another baby. WHAT?! I had given that desire to God in every way and really didn't expect to even have a hope of Jonathan saying he was ready for another year or so. BUT I did pray for it.

Without much time to enjoy Jonathan's change of heart, I got a weird bleed on Wednesday. I don't know what it was. It was just some random blood. I'm not supposed to start my period until next week and the bleeding stopped almost as soon as it started. I got really fatigued on my Saturday run and my boobs are super sensitive but I'm not buying a pregnancy test. I managed a 4 mile run with no problems on Wednesday.

My prayer is for peace and health. I don't want to be on the "am-I-pregnant-or-not" roller coaster and then the "can I carry this baby to term" worry that will come.

AND who ever created the word "miscarriage" as if I miss-carried the baby and that's why it didn't come to term. The term itself indicates a fault in me and I resent it.

Fixing Me

2009-06-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. It's hard for me to type out all of my struggles at the moment. I have been going through a time where I feel like God is the best counselor for me.

I'm more unsure of myself than I've ever been in my life. I question my judgement on everything. It's a new thing for me to bring everything before the Lord before I speak or do it. Doing that gives me a lot of peace - that, if what I choose to do or say is wrong, I have, at least, put my motives before the Lord for examination. I don't think that the Lord likes my uncertainty. I think he wants me to be confident in Him.

Crying Ace. I guess this line of thought will have to wait for another day.

How do you change yourself?

2009-06-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

So, when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, what do you do? How do you change? I have 28 good years of setting myself in my ways. I've convinced myself that the way I do everything is the right way. The way I put the dishes in the dishwasher - it's not the only way but it's the correct way. Cleaning the lint drawer every time I dry a load of clothes - it's not required but it's the right way, right? I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm sure that I would rather be happy than right.

My list of rights and wrongs is really getting in the way of my happiness. My problem is that I thrive in routine and I love doing things the same way every time. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I get paid to be that way.

God is really challenging me to change for Him. Change so that I can be everything He wants me to be and so that he can give me the things he wants for me. I want those things. I want to be the woman he wants. It's so hard to look at every part of myself and find shortcomings in the areas I felt strength before. It's hard to balance self-examination and being wary of feeling "not good enough" and like a failure. It's hard to look at who I am and have hope that I can become anything different.

Journal 49 - One and only time

2009-04-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

This is the ONE and ONLY time you will ever in my life hear me excited that I am on my period!!!!! Sorry to share my monthly flow information if someone is reading this. I really expected to start last weekend...right in the middle of a weekend with friends, of course. When it never came, I was a little anxious. I just want "normal" when it comes to my body. One period started, one to go and then all that's left is for Jonathan to decide it's time. That may seem like getting my period was the easy part.

Journal 48 - I wouldn't call it "good"

2009-04-17T04:59:00.001-07:00

So I need to clear something up on the record...I don't think that the miscarriage was a good thing.

I have said that everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord. That doesn't mean that everything that happens is good.

BUT, I believe that God can have good come out of even something this painful. I've seen things here and there that comfort me. I think, if it had to happen, I'm at least glad of this or that opportunity that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I feel like a lot of friends are going through some serious times right now and God has given me hope in their strength and perseverance. He has given me fellow strugglers. He has made me one of their fellow strugglers.

In that line of thinking...this blog has a new meaning for me. I named it "Kelly's Belly" to reflect my physical belly but I think it's turned into my spiritual "belly" - what's going on deep inside me. I may post here and there about the miscarriage from here on out but God is teaching me more than just how to deal with a miscarriage.

Really and truly, I just need an outlet since I'm at home working and mommy-ing all day. These posts are for me. So I can document my spiritual journey - imperfect and struggling as it is. I'm imperfect, worldly and sinful and I hope someday I can read these entries and see what God has done in me.

Journal 47 - Something I needed to hear

2009-04-13T03:11:00.000-07:00

Before Friday, I had just secretly hidden a thought to myself about the miscarriage. I'm so glad I shared it with Brittany...

A few months ago, I was talking to my boss on the telephone. All of a sudden, I just had to "go." I told her I had to run but I'd call her right back. When I got back on the phone I actually said, "Sorry, I don't know what happened. All of a sudden it felt like I was having a miscarriage or something." I actually used miscarriage as a analogy for having to use the BATHROOM! Not ONLY that but I used it with my boss who had suffered several miscarriages before having her twins through fertility treatments. Really, Kelly?!

Sometimes, I lose my senses - particulary my common sense. It used to happen a lot when I was younger...like telling our landlord that my mom didn't like her curtains or telling my mom what my dad had bought her for her birthday. One time, I asked my dad if he was "sucking up to his boss" when that boss was about two steps away. It was forgiveable when I was under 10!

When I was on the phone with Brittany on Friday, I didn't really want to share that because it's really embarrassing but, because God knew I was ashamed of ever saying anything so thoughtless, I just felt the story come out before I knew it. I told her that part of me thought my miscarriage was punishment for being so flippant about miscarriage. Brittany reminded me that God isn't like that. He would never punish me by taking away my baby. He had already revealed the stupidity of my statement to me long before I miscarried.

I just needed to hear it said with the certainty and authority with which she said it.
Thanks Brit. I love you.

Journal 46 - Song

2009-04-10T04:33:00.001-07:00

We've started singing this song at church and I wish I knew who sang it but it truly coming from my heart right now...

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all.
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours."

Abandoned and surrendered. Those words are perfect.

Journal 45 - Gee Whiz

2009-04-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

The doctor looked inside and saw no "products" left over so I'm physically free of the miscarriage. I can return to my workout which is a big stress relief and life as "normal." No "trying" for two cycles and I told Jonathan that I would like to quit "trying" altogether. Meaning - I strongly dislike the whole idea of "trying" (I don't care if anyone else does it - it just doesn't make me happy. It makes me a stressed out mess and doesn't give Jonathan that lovin' feeling.) So we're done "trying" and we'll let God try for us.

She did say that she now thinks it wasn't a blighted ovum. The amount of blood and looking through all of the ultrasounds, she thinks that a baby formed but I miscarried. Taking some time to process that put a little fear in me. I would prefer a blighted ovum because it means that it's the egg and the sperm's fault - not really anything to do with me. I feel like it's more to do with me now and more likely to happen again (not "likely" just "more likely"). It's like the Lord was saying, "thanks for trusting in me these past two weeks, let's just keep it up until you get pregnant again and then for 9 months after that..." Ok, Lord - continuing trust. I'll try.

Journal 44 - Back to the Doc

2009-04-07T05:34:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little nervous this morning. I'm going back to the doctor at 2pm today. Hopefully she will tell me that everything looks great...or as great as those things look. I would love to be told that I can start exercising again as I feel like I've put on weight these past two weeks with the stress of the miscarriage in the middle of the busiest season at work. Just insult to injury! I'm hoping that cyst can just stay where it is and disappear. I'm hoping that my womb is totally healed. Jonathan and I are a little worried about this since I bled so, so much for over a week. I don't think she'll have any more answers for me as to the why of it all. It would only be a medical explanation anyway.

Journal 43 - Ready Ready

2009-04-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

I know that coventional wisdom says that there needs to be time to heal physically and emotionally after a miscarriage. My mind knows that getting pregnant won't make up for what happened. In fact, I know that I need time to digest what's happened and learn what God has for me in this moment. So, despite all of that, I'm no-so-secretly confessing that I'm so ready to have another baby. If only my heart and mind were on the same page. My heart is ready, ready. My mind is saying, "slow down." So I'll reluctantly listen to my mind. Tonight we were introduced to a friend's baby who is only a week old. It took me right back to how happy I was to see my Acey for the first time.

Ace and I had such a wonderful day today. The only thing that was missing was our Daddy, who was stuck at work. We played for two hours at the play castle at the mall. We spent another 45 minutes on the carousel and then ate lunch at the food court and went home and both took naps. When he woke up, we went downstairs, turned on the radio and danced together for another 30 minutes. It's joy on days like today that make me want to move on to tomorrow and grow our family. I want more moments like when he tells me "monkey pooted," "Hula doooo-ing," and "cuckoo sleeping." How could I ever stop wanting things like that because of this experience?

Right now, I really just need time to lose all of the weight that I'm gaining from out of whack hormones!

Journal 42 - Miscarriage Counsel

2009-04-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Jonathan and I contacted a guy up at church because we wanted to talk to someone about the miscarriage who could help us process it together. We met on Wednesday and I had a big lesson learned. I discovered that my mistake was to come home from the doctor's appointment and immediately tell my mom that it was probably a false pregnancy. What I should have done was to ask Jonathan what HE wanted to tell everyone. I should have considered his feelings and what he was ready or not ready to share with friends and family. I thought this miscarriage was all about me: my body, my blood, my womb, my feelings...most people are concerned with the woman in these situations, right? So I kind of thought I would dictate the situation but we are a partnership and should share in these decisions.

Gosh, there is so much to remember in matrimony.

Journal 41 - Does it matter?

2009-04-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

Does it matter whether it was a baby I miscarried or a false pregnancy? To me, it doesn't matter. The result is the same - I'm not pregnant and I lost something that I wanted and was so looking forward to. The sadness is the same. The recovery is the same. My God is the same. But, to Jonathan, it matters. He doesn't want me telling anyone that it was "just" a false pregnancy. I think he believes that it diminishes what happened. In my mind, they are both just as heartbreaking. Mom and Leah both said that they think a false pregnancy would be easier to accept because there was no baby. I've tried to look at it from every angle and the only thing I can see is that, from a guy's perspective, we were as pregnant as he would ever get - seeing the positive test and listening to me talk about it. So no matter what kind of pregnant we were, Jonathan was completely pregnant. For me - no kicks, no daily talks, no back pain, no doctor's appointments, no hearing a heartbeat, no any other emotional and physical link - I was less "pregnant." I don't think the life lost or potential for life lost is any less-worthy of my love and grief. The blood was the same. But it matters to Jonathan and I have to deal with that. Lord please give me wisdom and strength and thank you for the abundance you've already poured on me. I pray everyone can know your love.

Journal 40 - Sad Day

2009-03-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today was Ace's 2nd birthday. Although it should bring me no end of happiness, as he took his afternoon nap today, I thought to myself, "2 years ago today was the happiest day of my life and 2 years from then is a really low point." I'm prayerful that 2 years from now, I will be rejoicing of how far I've come again. This time, in the happy direction.

I can't really allow myself to think of not having more babies. I'm anxious to get checked out by the doctor (scheduled for another ultrasound a week from Tuesday to check out a cyst - not expected to be anything). I won't even comment on bleeding because every time I say it's stopped, it starts again. Not being able to have any more babies is a fear in the back of my mind right now. Jonathan not wanting to have more babies is a really big fear. I don't want to push him right now but I'm craving the reassurance.

It was hard to have everyone leave today. Kind of takes the distractions away. It was fun to spend all afternoon with Ace and play and focus on him for his entire birthday. If he's all I'm ever meant to have, what a blessed gift he is. Nothing more to say tonight.

Journal 39 - Ping Pong

2009-03-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not. I'm good. I'm not.
I'm tired.
I woke up this morning...no blood. Hooray. Praise the Lord.
I went to have MORE blood drawn (just to check that my pregnancy-hormone levels are decreasing). I gave the PA the great news - no blood. Feeling great.
I went home to work a little before lunch with a good friend...bleeding again. A lot actually. Semi-big clot. Now feeling not so great.
Do I worry, do I not. Do I worry, do I not.
What a roller coaster. Thank the Lord that he is constant.

Journal 38 - Some relief

2009-03-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

I think the bleeding is finally trailing off. I'm so relieved. I can't believe all that has transacted in a week. I feel like it has happened to someone else at this point. I feel bad for her but am not really experiencing many feelings about this right now. I found the five stages of grief online...not really in denial, not angry, not bargaining, not depressed...I just kind of skipped to acceptance. Now I'm just ready to get on with the business of waiting: waiting to return to a regular cycle, then waiting to start trying, then waiting to get (hopefully) pregnant. What a scary moment that will be.

Out of all of this, I love and treasure Ace even more, if that is possible. I kiss him more and tell him I love him even more. I love touching his little skin and cheeks and holding him and watching him just be a healthy, happy little boy. Children are a gift - they aren't a right.

Journal 37 - Never-ending

2009-03-25T05:11:00.001-07:00

As I got into bed last night, thankful to start sleeping away my cares, I passed another huge clot. Out of bed again and more worry. I choose to believe this is the last of it and that now the bleeding should clear up. The doctor didn't expect any more clots or bleeding after Monday's visit but I'm not panicking. 24 hours without pain medicine - so there is praise in yesterday. Only little pains here and there. I'm constantly starving and eating. The thought of being back at square one is disheartening. God is just squeezing as much trust and faith out of me as he can get. I feel very squeezed - I'm envisioning that it's a hug. Jonathan just keeps asking if I'm still bleeding, which makes me feel like it's been forever. There was hilarity the other night when he asked me if I wanted my diapers put outside with Ace's. Oh the humility! Everyone heals in their own way - Jonathan heals with humor. I love him.

Journal 36 - Doctor's visit

2009-03-24T04:47:00.001-07:00

Jonathan went with me to the OB yesterday. I was so nervous about what she would say. I just didn't want to hear that I could never have babies again. Instead, she said exactly the opposite. So far in the opposite direction that my feelings are confused again. She said that we probably just had a "blighted ovum." That's where the sperm just nicks the egg but there's no penetration. The egg thinks it's been fertilized so a sac forms and the pregnancy hormone is released. Boobs swell, naseau ensues, pregnancy test comes up positive...but there's really no baby. That explains why the ultra sound revealed a sac but no baby or heartbeat. So now what? There was never a baby in the first place. My body and heart just thought there was. So should I not be as sad because there wasn't a life lost? I guess it's supposed to make it easier. So I'll let it. She also said that the likelihood of it happening again is rare. I pray! I'm still bleeding and in some pain. According to the doctor, when I healed from Ace's c-section, some parts of the uterus attached to my scar (totally normal). So now, as my cervix contracts back to its normal size, the scar is making the contractions really sensitive. She expects the bleeding to stop soon. No exercise or you-know-what for me for two weeks after the bleeding stops. No trying to get pregnant again until after my cycle has returned to normal for about 2 months. Jonathan says he doesn't want to try again for awhile. He's scared to go through this again. My heart breaks for him. I'm not sure how to comfort him. I'm glad that he stayed home from work yesterday. He slept most of the afternoon. I just pray that God gives him the comfort that I have right now.

Journal 35 - Morning/ Mourning

2009-03-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

I slept most of yesterday. I think that most of my pain medication is wearing off now. I'm debating whether to take more. It's a work day so I need to stay alert but there is a dull ache and sometimes sharp cramps in my stomach. I'm still bleeding. I passed most everything yesterday, I believe. It was nice to sleep and rest. When Mom brought Ace home last night, my stomach really started to hurt and I got exhausted fast. He, at least, snuggled in my lap for about 30 minutes while Mom took Jonathan to pick up his car from the ER where he left it yesterday. I am so grateful for Ace. Having had one healthy pregnancy really gives me hope. I know that I should spend some time mourning this baby and dealing with the grief. Right now, I just prefer to look forward and hope that the doctor will tell me today that I can have more children. The pain is my reminder, I guess. I made it through the first phone calls with family. Those were the toughest, I think. I know that nobody knows what to say. I don't really either. Jonathan bought a new tree for the front yard. Out of the love languages, gifts are the least meaningful to me...but that tree will always be the most treasured gift he's ever given me. If we ever move, we'll have to uproot it.

On to work and the welcome distraction it brings.

Journal 34 - Hard News

2009-03-22T09:35:00.001-07:00

What do you title a blog posting on miscarriage? What do you say? It's my time to figure it out. I went back to the emergency room this morning. I woke up at 1:39am and after I went to the bathroom there were huge blood clots. Huge. I knew what it meant. I put on an tank top (which I realized was backwards before running out the door. thank goodness because it was a racer-back.) and ran all over the house looking for Jonathan. He wasn't anywhere to be found but his car was in the garage. I called my aunt to ask her to come over (poor Aunt Barby). I called Jonathan's cellphone and it turned out he was taking a walk in the neighborhood to clear his head and lose his worries. He raced back to the house to wait for Aunt Barby and I took off to the emergency room. It was so hard to write "miscarriage" in the "Reason For Visit" box. The whole drive there I just kept telling God, "it's ok. it's ok." It's ok if this is what God allows in our life. His will is always ok and I will accept it and love Him.

After signing in the nurse called me back and asked all the questions I had answered less than 24 hours before: no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes...just please get someone to look between my legs! They took me back to Room #9 and I waited for another needle stick. The emergency room doctor asked more questions and then pried me open. He said that my cervix was still closed (it's usually open with a miscarriage). He rated my bleeding a 3 (about 30 minutes ago I encountered level 10). I was having stomach pains but it felt like really bad gas, not labor contractions. The doc left kinda suddenly which scared me but Jonathan walked in a few minutes later and the room brightened for me.

30 minutes later it was back to ultrasound. It was the same tech as that morning. As I was leaving, I saw the screen she was working from and there was clearly a sac on the screen. There didn't look to be anything in it. The nurses wheeled us back to the room. 45 minutes later, the doctor came in and said that the ultrasound revealed no baby and no heartbeat. He further added that both should be apparent at this stage. He said that I was certainly having a miscarriage. To hear him say that he was sorry was really hard. I so badly wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be sorry because the Lord is taking good care of me but I couldn't form the words. He told us to wait for some pain medication and then left.

Jonathan and I sat there for 30 minutes, together. He was trying so hard to be encouraging. He said that he still had hope. I truly know that Jonathan is my angel in husband form. The nurse came in with some morphine, stuck me in the leg and told us to (no surprise) wait another 25-30 minutes to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction. In that time, I really relaxed and almost fell asleep. Each time I opened my eyes, Jonathan was looking at me - vigilant and loving and I know that God is watching me even closer.

Jonathan drove me home and my bed has never been so welcome. Aunt Barby had taken Ace to her house. I thanked Jonathan again for moving us to Houston.

I woke up this morning about 9:30 and asked the Lord to comfort me as I wobbled to the bathroom. Everything was as last night had been. I went back to bed until 10:30 when Jonathan came in to the bedroom with breakfast. As he took the tray, I went to call my mom and felt a huge gush. That was it. I imagine the bleeding will trail off from here.

I want to cry. I want to give in to sadness and loss and all of those feelings. But more so, I want to honor my God who daily lets me live and breathe and have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. God's wisdom is more than I can understand. I guess I know the first question I will have for him when he welcomes me home...why? In the meantime, I don't need to know why. I know that it is God's best for me.

To add, there was a girl who was 21 weeks along, spotting and having severe stomach pain while I was in the ER last night. I just kept thinking, "Thank you Lord, that you've given me this pain and not that one."

God giveth and God taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Journal 33 - 50/50

2009-03-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

After 4 hours in the "not-so-emergency-room" I came out with a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Not very encouraging. I made Jonathan stay at home to be with Ace. Probably not the wisest choice unless I think about how impatient he would have been throughout 4 hours of waiting. I got there about 6am, waited 30 minutes to be seen and shown to a room where the nurse stuck me with an IV and took a thousand vials of blood. An hour later I got a pelvic exam. Another hour later I got an ultra sound. 45 minutes after that they took out my IV and sent me home. The nurse said that my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are through the roof (20,000+) but that the ultrasound did not reveal a clear sac, baby or heartbeat - which all are normally apparent at this point. So I am definitely pregnant but they can't see a baby or tell if it's alive. The pregnancy hormones are kind of my pinprick of hope at this point. The bleeding has slowed and turned clear. The doctor also found that my cervix is closed during the pelvic exam...a good sign. I'm supposed to follow up with my OB on Monday. I hate looking up anything related to abnormalities during pregnancy because websites always give you the worst case scenario. So it's another waiting game. I'm living in the peace of the Lord moment to moment at this point. I love you baby and pray that you are safe and sound.

Journal 32 - Feeling Scared

2009-03-21T03:13:00.001-07:00

Well, I started bleeding yesterday. I called the doctor immediately and spoke with a nurse. She asked if the blood was clotted and it isn't so she said not to worry unless the blood was clotting or I soaked a pad. That was about 11am. I spotted off and on all day yesterday and through the night. When I went to the bathroom this morning there was a clot. It was small and I'm trying to remain calm about it. All of the miscarriage sites from Google say that there will be cramping. Right now, I just have a really sick feeling in my stomach from not knowing whether I'm miscarrying this baby. I'm subduing my desire to run to the emergency room. I will just wait a little while longer. I really want to throw up. Maybe I'll just go. Going to tell Jonathan.

Journal 31 - Really almost 2 months

2009-03-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

My little pregnancy ticker says I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant. It feels like an eternity of secret keeping. I think I'm about two weeks shorter than that though. Not showing even in the least. Energy is fine. Appetite is good. I told Ace I have a baby in my belly but he seems uninterested. I keep wondering how I'm going to hold Ace and care for him as the baby grows and once it's here. I can't wait until I can snuggle one up under each arm in bed with Jonathan and kiss from head to head.